time travel

Wow, I feel stunned by reading just a few of my past posts. As you can see, the last time I've written was April, 2010. That time seems ages ago.. so much has happened of utmost importance that has made the difference.

I have to say, I've missed writing, and poetry, and dancing on top of perfectly phrased prose. With all of the changes, I forgot to protect my form of expression, and perhaps I am suffering because of it currently. In all this process, I think I have lost my voice, not my audible voice, but my expressive voice which carries my burdens, pains, loves, and accomplishments. If I cannot express myself and process my thoughts and feelings.. well, I cannot make sense of life, of anything.

Yesterday I watched The Notebook for only the second time.. there were many things I had forgotten. I seemed to have liked it better this time, because the feelings seemed more raw.. well to be honest, I have been strangely sentimental lately and I feel more of everything.. It is ever since I met Joe. Life suddenly became this fragile entity, and I was protecting myself from the harsh realities of the world. Mortality over the past few years has become apparent to me with the loved ones I've lost. I understand the value of life, and the unknown and things that can happen to challenge the security I once felt. I remember being in high school and beginning college and thanks to my parents and environment, there were not many things I had to be afraid of. I knew I would be taken care of and my security had not been questioned. But the more I am out on my own, the more I see and the more I know exists, and I know I can't protect myself from everything, and no one can. And this very fact scares me.

You see, love is the greatest risk, not that it is of an erratic and unpredictable nature, but that we are mortals, and our existence is temporary. In loving, we have more to lose, yet in loving we are given life. In living, we feel pain, hurt, loss, joy, pride, satisfaction, etc. That is the human experience. I want to bottle these things, and only open the positive ones, but these are the very substances that make us human, and that unite us together as humans. This is also why from time to time I realize how out of synch I live with other people. Mental Illnesses run rampant in industrialized countries... this is not due to the genetic makeup of each nation, but of the structure of community and family life. I've been striving for some time to find a community, after leaving my home and it has been nothing short of difficult. But I've realized there is no stability anywhere on earth. Relationships are a constant ebb and flow, always in flux. The moment you're comfortable, things change, the moment something has changed that you wanted to, you aren't satisfied with it, there are always new challenges. And the more you are aware that nothing with be the same twice, the more you can be present with the moment you are in, and try to appreciate it for what it is. Time is of paramount value, because it is limited. So then it is important to to see clearly where/what you are in life, so that you can appreciate it. I think what makes this all too real is that time has become very evident to me over the past few months, and I've realized that I don't get to spend it how I want to, with the people I care most about. But I sure try my best to keep myself occupied.

shriveled heart

dreams, made unattainable.
listen when they say goals need be measurable.
but you can't gauge love,
it is immeasurable.

all other facets of life
within grasp, always succeeding
when a passion exists it,
but why, all things,
this phenomena above others,
i cannot grasp.

aurora.

means dawn.
perhaps it hangs
on the edge of
the horizon.

night is incomplete
and obsolete.
aurora.

game over

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

no lives left.

contradictions

perhaps i forgot, that life keeps going. and there are dark periods and others where you feel light as a feather, free as a dove.

i am the same, i am different. i am okay with the contradictions of who i am. and i feel okay telling people they have never experienced me when they do not understand me, and especially when they do not try. because some people, with their prejudices will never accept, their will will not permit them, their attitude will not permit them to understand, but mostly to want to understand.

it is freeing to release yourself from the constraints others arbitrarily place on you.

four seasons (not the band, but i like them too)

do you remember when i said that my life is divided, into vignettes, not intentionally but naturally by the four seasons.

winter representing a sort of hibernation; a very introspective and solemn season, mixed in with a bit of holly jolly warmth from the holidays. It is a recooperation period where i mediate all of the things the warm weather intrigued me to do.

spring is an antsy time, awaiting the budding and blooming of life; a preparation period, a morcel of hope.

summer is representative of a simple luxury, warm weather, sunny days, outdoor activities every day. it is also a sort of catalyst for destructive behavior and whimsical ideas. i get dizzied by the swirl and twirl of the wind, and the quixotic colors of the sky at sunset, and completely forget that i am a logical being.

fall is a lovely time, where i imagine myself in plaid skirts and berets, and have stacks of books to read and dream about under the falling leaves. fall is the most romantic season; the colours, the symbolism of endings and beginnings bewitches me, every year. oh autumn, oh ambivalent feelings. i am so happy to have summer first, to get my wreckless out of me before starting it all over again.

impulsive summer---romantic fall----introspect/reorganize winter---revitalize spring

*and this is why, you see, i simply could not do without all four of the seasons.

summer

To me, this is summer. grassy pastures, large shady treesm, wind softly blowing at your clothes and hair, unrestrictedly laying on a blanket reading and dreaming the day away...