So this is the new year...

and i don't feel any different. the clanking of crystal... alright. i do not really like new year's resolutions, i feel like people put off their goals until the time comes to make a "new year's resolution" and once it is worn out of conversation and january moves into february, it simply fades into the time of the season. i am usually always making goals, and reformulating them throughout the year. it works or me, well except lately when the world had been working against me, and mind you it is difficult for me to say this because I see myself relatively alligned with humanistic views in that in most occasions you can guide the way life takes you and work at things so that you can get to where you want to go, but lately my fear is becoming a more evident in that i am scared stiff, ok terrified of failure... comparable to man's fear of failure actually. I have many conflicting ideas about androgyny, especially because I have many characteristics that seem masculine in nature and oftentimes feel punished when I do exercise my feminine qualities because of the way in which people respond to me. Close relatives always flatter me in terms of my discipline and other characteristics, but for some reason I feel punished, as if this were my burden, while feeling very guilty for indulging in any human desire or expecting sympathy from anyone. i feel icy and as at any moment i might freeze into a permanent ice mold, and come to think of it i would look very much as i do now, skin pallid and lifeless, eyes iced over as an incoming tide full with sea foam coming to a slow halt, crystalized and transparent.