vin

so i've been drinking wine every night with supper, which is great. BUT there's this problem, i've been having horrible dreams and not sleeping well. i will wake up many times in the night and it seems like each time i wake up i remember a different dream, of people, places, that i want to forget or at least not remember those aspects of our times together.

Part of my strategy for survival here is, not to listen to too much music with associations attached to them, so that this can be a fresh existence and i make it my own... i don't want to be remembering things that are history and thousands of miles away. my mind is in the state to burn bridges and that is exactly what i am doing, but i do not like it when remnants of the past creep in and cause me to reminisce a little to long. but that's life, it happened, and memories last forever.

wow, i have intense language classes. Today i had 6 hours of class in a row... all in FRENCH. i'm getting better at comprehension at least. It's interesting that i'm studying french for this semester here in france and when i return to the U.S. i won't be taking it any more, it's just this little segment of my life, tucked away here. i like that.

what's really interesting is that the French want to be American.... yeah. I can hardly find a radio station that plays solely french tunes, they have theaters that only play American movies, and people here seem to be really into American pop culture. I'm just overhearing french TV right now and a french woman is saying (in french) how she likes "sex in the city and deperate house wives". And the other day i turned on the TV and "will and grace" was on with french voice over. haha. ridiculous. some of my bus drivers solely listen to pop american music (beyonce, lady gaga, akon, etc.) Also, their advertisements will have these 50s american songs, and then french talking... it's just really weird how it seems like we've "taken over". i wonder if most other european countries are like that. it's funny that it seems like most european countries don't like us, yet they want to be us. contradiction.

i sometimes don't really even feel bad that we've sort of taken over, because if they did not like our ideals and what we stood for, they wouldn't want what we have, and thus they would not try to be like us. (and when i say we, its not like i'm a postergirl for an American, but I am American, I was born in America).

In fact, at a cafe the other day while i was waiting for Chloe, I wrote a little story in a southern dialect about how i am american... haha?

paris

oh, i forgot to tell you:

it's official. chloe and i are going to PARIS for our first break. we're taking the TGV (high speed train). it will be for a week and our lodging will be free because her mom's friend lives there! this time i will definitely want to see the "deux moulins"-- the cafe amelie worked at, and montmartre/sacre coeur/moulin rouge area! wow.

no one's gonna love you more than i do

it's a casual morning... thinking about my life. trying to understand it.

it's funny how i used to be. i can't tell if this is becoming who i am or if i put at the small, insignificant place so that i can learn humility.

cuz wow, you'd never believe it but i used to ride on clouds and see rainbows through rainclouds. i thought i never needed anyone, and wanted to do things alone and i did.. an i honestly believed i could do anything. but now everday i do things that scare the hell out of me... and i feel like i'm proving it to myself, to show i still can do it. and i can but what if in the process i break. and what if every second by body aches and at the end of the week i desire to see those pleasantly preserved familiar faces?

i think this is all good for me, and could not forgive myself if i gave up, but i never used to cry like this. and sometimes i don't even know why i'm crying. the familiar never used to feel so ideal. and that's why i know this is what i needed-my head was cloudy when i left. but this is the hardest damn thing i ever knew i needed to do.

And of course I will be traveling to Venice and Paris and who knows where else and I am overwhelmed with excitement! But where one thing gives, another takes away. So while I am experiencing the world, i cannot remember the last time I was hugged.

And the people that I meet are nice enough, from various places around the world, but there is a missing connection. They ask me to go out to bars and discotechs and although it sounds innocent enough, it's different when you're here. A lot of people in my program came to party... the hedonoist/pagan idea of partying of course. I have the most in common with Chloe-music tastes, traveling, language, interests, etc. She is my "travel buddy"... and i'm not sure if we will ever get past our instrumental purpose. Hopefully while we are in Paris for the week together we will start to learn more personal things about each other. I really like her, she's interesting.

oh, and last night i found out that instead of housing costing 600 euros. it cost 600 euros/month! ($720/month)=$2800 for housing!!! which means i might have to take out another loan...

Pray for me.

i have unending inspiration for writing

here... it must be why "the Greats" congregated here. I have unlimited opportunities, which I need to keep reminding myself because I have no idea when I will have the world at my fingertips again.

But even with all the opportunities here, what comes with it is an opening up ideas at home and just plentiful ideas of things I would like to do and take part in once I return. Of course I am on my own most of the day so I have exponential amount of time to think about everything possible, so do not be worried dear friends.

My classes are challenging. They are all in French and most things are not directly translated, so my teacher explains French foreign concepts to us in French terms, so sometimes I am not quite sure if I have the exact meaning of what she is explaining. It is interesting though. I need to watch more French tv and listen to more French radio so I can understand French dialogue better.

I booked my excursion to Venice today, it will be in a couple of weeks. I really don't believe I am going, but the ticket is payed for so I guess I must believe it. huh? Chloe is going too. It is during the Carnival of Venice... people will be all dressed in elaborate midieval clothes and intricate masquerade masks! And in Venice~ gondoliers and all!

It's kind of strange... I met this girl, Chloe, and I really like her and truly I really do not feel like meeting anyone else. I feel like this should make me guilty? There's an american staying with us for a week and she invited me to go bowling with her this week and there will be attractive French men there she said, but for some reason I have no motivation to go.

My host mom said French men love American women, but I don't feel overtly American and I feel like both of us will be disappointed in each other... I will find them extremely pompous and seemingly "trying too hard" and they will find me quiet and not fun, as in "party girl", easily pleased American.

But the funny thing is, in high school the popular boys were nice to me and for some reason tried to keep their respectability in tact around me, yet knowlingly we never considered each other. It was as if we ruled different worlds and that was accepted. They thought their charm could buy them something, and I would laugh and respond in a ridiculous matter as if to say "sorry, you're going to have to try harder than that" but there were plenty of girls it worked on, so they didn't have to.

In ending: I did meet this girl named Pony today from Massechusettes and Jenny from Manchester. Pony mentioned a dance party... maybe i'll talk to her next class...

<3

pensive

you know, i don't think anyone was meant to live a life constantly on "the road" or in passing. I love traveling, I enjoy interesting opportunities, I'm learning a lot about myself and it has just been over a week! But I think each person formulates what they like and dislike about each culture they are a part of and the positive things they incorporate into their lifestyle.

You kind of find "where you are supposed to be or where you are not supposed to be" and I really think this is something I need. I know that I could fit in here if I wanted to live here, but really I would rather take some of the things that I have learned here home with me and incorporate them into my lifestyle. But the main point is that I will always have this, it cannot be taken away.

It's really strange how we appreciate things once we are far away from them and know we cannot return. But I think I will like America once I return--not all of it of course but I am learning the good parts of it. Madame told me today that the French are never happy, "capricious" is the word she used and really it's interesting because they have a beautiful stage to act out their life, they don't work that much, and their lives are centered around food and friendship, but it seems they get worked up very easily as if they are just waiting to respond to something that is going wrong, especially the women. This is when I appreciate the American's easy-going attitude and friendliness and kind of brotherhood.

And although Americans are quite consumeristic buying loads of cheap and meaningless things in general, the French also have their own type of consumerism. It's called high end boutiques "I payed over 150 euros for each article of clothing i'm wearing" consumerism. To a woman over 30 in the U.S. to be unfashionable is almost understandable and expected, but to a French woman, if she does not desire to be fashionable, she must feel as though she needs to keep up with the other very attractive, and fit older French women.

I have also noticed that there are less types of people here. Because what's "good" is what's in style everyone wants to be that and I think there are less classes of people (which that is good for economy), whereas in America, there is pluralism and different people do different things to fit into their respective groups. I miss that aspect a little... the vegans in uptown, the african americans bumpin their beats in the streets, the corporates downtown rushin to their business affairs, trashy looking college girls in dinky town, the scene or indie kids outside of first ave. This part of France is more culturally pure, and for good reason they protect their culture, as would I if I had this to protect, but it is almost as if there is no way around the mainstream. Anyway I believe that America too has something to protect- it's melting pot of people--that is our culture! I just got really excited about that just now, as if I personally discovered it. haha.

my so called french life

while i am writing this, Madame Alloucherie is taking a shower and singing to the radio (a french 80s song) it is very cute, especially considering i do not know what she is singing. but soon i will since i'm in a french songs class!

The best thing about not understanding a lot of french dialogue from an observer's point of view is that I can imagine what they are saying due to the universality of emotions, responses, and body language. This is especially obvious on the bus, when people are inquiring whether the driver can make an extra stop somewhere, the person becomes very involved in what the driver is saying as if it's life or death, they stand very close to the driver, anticipating his response, and he usually consents. It's also pretty obvious with children, whining and asking to do something and hearing a clear "Non" and of course then the child gets worked up and upset and you figure it's probably something pretty trivial that they seem to think will make or break them. I remember those days...

My friend and I often make fun of the french people, with little things that they do, such as their concern with fashion over reality of weather "of course they would rather wear a little dress and a short jacket than be warm, and the 3 inch heals when all of their streets are cobblestone" Of course when i lived in the suburbs I could get away with that, driving everywhere and going to a specific destination, but this sometimes is ridiculous!

But moving to Minneapolis, having my only source of transportation being my feet, I became more of a "fashion realist". And I prefer the look of classically being put together, or thrown together in a bohemian sense but a fa way that does not appear as if I take hours to primp every morning, because it has become more of a waste of time recently. The fashion in (uptown) minneapolis is a little more "grunge" that what's in style here. Here they wear a lot of black and many people have little black leather jackets, and everyone has awesome boots. I want a pair more than you know. I may very well come back with a some. This is one of the two times a year there are sales in France, so.... vive la france!

What else? I took my first excursion yesterday, to the Cote d'azure. There are daytrips every Saturday to local places in the region. This week was Monaco, it is independent of France (Princesse Grace Kelly) they have their own government, in Monte Carlo which was very swanky; there was a beautiful casino, many high end fashion boutiques; yves saint laurent, chanel, dior, etc and ridiculously expensive cars driving around. Very rich people definitely retire and decide to live there. And we took a driving tour through Nice, right on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea. On our way to these places, we drove past Cannes, where the international film festival is held every year!

parlez vous francais?

i have 20 hours of class per week:

-12 hours of French language
-2 hours of phonetics
-French poetry
-Study of French Song
-French Rhythm and Intonation or Dialogue in French Cinema (I have not chosen yet)

I do not think I will be overloaded with homework because of all of the in-class time.