it's a casual morning... thinking about my life. trying to understand it.
it's funny how i used to be. i can't tell if this is becoming who i am or if i put at the small, insignificant place so that i can learn humility.
cuz wow, you'd never believe it but i used to ride on clouds and see rainbows through rainclouds. i thought i never needed anyone, and wanted to do things alone and i did.. an i honestly believed i could do anything. but now everday i do things that scare the hell out of me... and i feel like i'm proving it to myself, to show i still can do it. and i can but what if in the process i break. and what if every second by body aches and at the end of the week i desire to see those pleasantly preserved familiar faces?
i think this is all good for me, and could not forgive myself if i gave up, but i never used to cry like this. and sometimes i don't even know why i'm crying. the familiar never used to feel so ideal. and that's why i know this is what i needed-my head was cloudy when i left. but this is the hardest damn thing i ever knew i needed to do.
And of course I will be traveling to Venice and Paris and who knows where else and I am overwhelmed with excitement! But where one thing gives, another takes away. So while I am experiencing the world, i cannot remember the last time I was hugged.
And the people that I meet are nice enough, from various places around the world, but there is a missing connection. They ask me to go out to bars and discotechs and although it sounds innocent enough, it's different when you're here. A lot of people in my program came to party... the hedonoist/pagan idea of partying of course. I have the most in common with Chloe-music tastes, traveling, language, interests, etc. She is my "travel buddy"... and i'm not sure if we will ever get past our instrumental purpose. Hopefully while we are in Paris for the week together we will start to learn more personal things about each other. I really like her, she's interesting.
oh, and last night i found out that instead of housing costing 600 euros. it cost 600 euros/month! ($720/month)=$2800 for housing!!! which means i might have to take out another loan...
Pray for me.
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honey i am praying for you. so is emily. so is jacob. and you know your family is praying every five min. for you.
ReplyDeletethis is definitely a wake up call for you and you are learning so many amazing things! i cannot wait for your return but it makes me happy knowing you are learning so much and being so stretched!
love you, talk to you on the phone soon.