i'm working right now...
i'm about to fall asleep at my desk.
there isn't much for me to do today.
luckily i will start at 8:00am instead of 7:00pm, starting next week.
the summer is going by quite quickly.
this weekend is the 4th of july!
next week i'm going home for all of erin's wedding celebrations.
i am excited. & i finally found an adorable dress!
there will be a lot of people at the wedding
that i have not seen in a long while.
i will be looking forward to seeing my family again.
(and dancing the night away with many willing dance partners!)
for the rest of the month, i'll be working like crazy!
it's good for me. it will keep me busy and active.
then i can breathe a little freer.
:)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
?
after melissa left, i went back to the apartment and listened to "all by myself" on repeat for a while. when i got tired of that, i started to read a book, but i was too fatigued to read, so i set the book down and lay there. soon enough i was fast asleep, i awoke to my phone ringing- o'malley was at my door. i spent the remainder of the day with him. it was enjoyable-- a true summer day. we went to the art festival at stone arch, and roamed around up town. later, we sat in the park and made up songs with a guitar and my poetry books i checked out from the library. life is moving much slower now. so i need to move myself.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
x
i need fresh, i need white, clear and empty. all of this stuff muddles my thoughts and contorts my brow. and none of it is really even out in the open--it's floating in the air, stuffing my ears, i can feel it with all of my senses but how can i describe it to anyone else.
all i know is i need a change.
all i know is i need a change.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
i'm coming home
it's weird. i hope i can sleep tonight. luckily i've kind of gotten used to traveling and it doesn't seem like as big of a deal as before to get everything organized. i'm hoping they won't make me open my bag for any reason at the airport or i will not be able to close it once again. packing was a joke today. i tried every method known to man... looks like i will be wearing a lot of layers. i may look a little weird at the airport. don't care.
i'm actually strangely excited for my flight... more so the long one, so i can watch new movies and do some reflection on the past four months that have passed tellement vite.
i'm excited to have a latte again! :) and of course to see you!!!!
p.s. i don't want to shut my shutters tonight or my window!
i'm actually strangely excited for my flight... more so the long one, so i can watch new movies and do some reflection on the past four months that have passed tellement vite.
i'm excited to have a latte again! :) and of course to see you!!!!
p.s. i don't want to shut my shutters tonight or my window!
Friday, May 15, 2009
enfin
tomorrow is.... CANNES int'l film festival 09! i think most of the films this year are foreign so i don't know how many celebrities i will actually recognize, but i'm excited for the big red carpet event and the PAPARAZZI! when would i ever have the opportunity to go to the Cannes film festival again, it's kind of a once in a lifetime thing. my host mom was telling me it's an old money type of place (it's on the mediterranean) and it's really ritzy, i guess many wealthy people retire there (like St. Tropez, Monaco, and Monte Carlo).
it's rainy, which is exceptionally uncommon in Aix-en-Provence. a few goodbyes yesterday, a couple today, more on sunday. i'm having dinner at chloe's house this evening with her host mother. :)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
it's not really over.
today was the last day of class. i feel like i should be sad but i'm not, even though i had an amazing semester. i just think everything is good in its time really. i had an amazing language professor, i wish she was my aunt really. my classmates and i bought her a plant and a little card. she really liked it and went around the room giving "bisous". when i asked to take a photo with her, she pulled me really close so our faces are touching in the photo and then we said our little goodbyes. it was really cute. i think she liked me. i was always laughing in class (imagine that), and she would always say haha, alyssa your laugh is extraordinary, you have a very characteristic laugh!
there were a lot of dynamics going on with all of the foreign students and their responses to questions in french that you actually could tell a lot about a person. for example, today we had to pick out which family structure you liked the best and why (traditional, where mom stays home and dad goes to work, or hippy family that is always outdoors and surrounded by friends and family and listening to music, or childless couple that have good jobs and busy lives). just for reference i choose the hippy family. haha.
*goodbyes are weird. i think everything should end the day before it is supposed to so that you don't have to think about it as in-depth. because while parting, if you knew you were going to see someone tomorrow it's just "see you" but if you don't know when you will see someone again, you have to think about all they ever meant to you and it forces you to become too sentimental, when really some people in our lives are just instrumental (not to say they can't influence you are make an impact on your life) i just think back to jr. high when all of the girls cried on the last day of 8th grade. some people were moving away, others would change, etc. but the reality of it is that at the end of the summer they most likely won't even remember some of the friends they hung out with because it's jr. high! and you can be thankful for what someone was to you, but if you grip everything that comes your way, you might ruin the nature of what it is. For example, there is a teacher from high school that influenced me a lot, and i respect him. at graduations i go to at my old high school i talk to him and update him, and that works. but if i wanted to become friends with him, that would be weird, and not an acceptable friendship. another example, i make friends with a girl studying abroad and although i meet them and get to know them in class a little-- i don't have a lot in common with them. and you get to a point where it can't go any further because you truly don't have deep things you agree on. but maybe that's the beauty of these encounters... to talk to people you normally wouldn't, to be displaced so that you learn that the world is much bigger than you think, and to question what you believe and how you fit into the world. it is beautiful but it isn't always easy when you know you have a life somewhere else.
there were a lot of dynamics going on with all of the foreign students and their responses to questions in french that you actually could tell a lot about a person. for example, today we had to pick out which family structure you liked the best and why (traditional, where mom stays home and dad goes to work, or hippy family that is always outdoors and surrounded by friends and family and listening to music, or childless couple that have good jobs and busy lives). just for reference i choose the hippy family. haha.
*goodbyes are weird. i think everything should end the day before it is supposed to so that you don't have to think about it as in-depth. because while parting, if you knew you were going to see someone tomorrow it's just "see you" but if you don't know when you will see someone again, you have to think about all they ever meant to you and it forces you to become too sentimental, when really some people in our lives are just instrumental (not to say they can't influence you are make an impact on your life) i just think back to jr. high when all of the girls cried on the last day of 8th grade. some people were moving away, others would change, etc. but the reality of it is that at the end of the summer they most likely won't even remember some of the friends they hung out with because it's jr. high! and you can be thankful for what someone was to you, but if you grip everything that comes your way, you might ruin the nature of what it is. For example, there is a teacher from high school that influenced me a lot, and i respect him. at graduations i go to at my old high school i talk to him and update him, and that works. but if i wanted to become friends with him, that would be weird, and not an acceptable friendship. another example, i make friends with a girl studying abroad and although i meet them and get to know them in class a little-- i don't have a lot in common with them. and you get to a point where it can't go any further because you truly don't have deep things you agree on. but maybe that's the beauty of these encounters... to talk to people you normally wouldn't, to be displaced so that you learn that the world is much bigger than you think, and to question what you believe and how you fit into the world. it is beautiful but it isn't always easy when you know you have a life somewhere else.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
music
Expanding Friendship
Money and real estate occupy the body,
but all the heart wants is expanding friendship.
A rose garden without a friend is indeed a prison;
a prison with a friend becomes a rose garden.
If the pleasure of a friendship did not exist,
neither men nor women would be here.
A thorn from a friend's garden is worth more
than a thousand cypresses and lilies.
Love sewed us secretly together.
We owe nothing to the needle and the thread.
If the house of the world is dark,
Love will find a way to create windows.
If the world of arrows and swords,
the Armorer of Love has made us coats of mail.
Love itself describes its own perfection.
Be speechless and listen.
Divani Shamsi Tabrizi
Money and real estate occupy the body,
but all the heart wants is expanding friendship.
A rose garden without a friend is indeed a prison;
a prison with a friend becomes a rose garden.
If the pleasure of a friendship did not exist,
neither men nor women would be here.
A thorn from a friend's garden is worth more
than a thousand cypresses and lilies.
Love sewed us secretly together.
We owe nothing to the needle and the thread.
If the house of the world is dark,
Love will find a way to create windows.
If the world of arrows and swords,
the Armorer of Love has made us coats of mail.
Love itself describes its own perfection.
Be speechless and listen.
Divani Shamsi Tabrizi
Thursday, May 7, 2009
NICE
Hi.
tomorrow morning i leave for Nice for the weekend! i probably told you this 10 X but chloe's host mom's daughter rented an apartment in Nice for the week and offered for us to stay because she isn't there on weekends. i've been very blessed, and have decided that i can't be selfish anymore. and i need to get better at sharing. the weather will be in the 70s from here on out! I might bring my swimming suit along! i heard the architecture in Nice looks very italian... (it is not too far from the france/italian border)
it's funny how you seem to really get close to people once you have to leave for somewhere else. my classmates are dear to me--not even because i hang out with them a lot, because i don't. but we have 14 hours of class together and you start to feel like a little family, plus with the oral activities we do, we learn a lot about one another. but it couldn't go on forever this way. one downfall of french schools is the lack of campus life. it would have been nicer to have event to go to, to get to know people better. oh well, i have a few friends i have the possibility to visit in the future.
too bad i'm dead broke. with a wine induced smile and tired legs.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
tea time
so i've been learning things about britain and the stereotypes within the UK; scotland, wales, ireland. ha. interesting, you don't quite think there is that much to know from a distance but there are actually a lot of things they do differently. it's interesting comparing Britain to France and the U.S. the fashion here is crazier, many different patters and colors, very unlike french fashion-always tres chic. My french host mother has weird negative sterotypes about the English, which most french have. i personally think it's because the french are overtly selfish and pretentious. i'm especially blown away at how nice the brits seem in contrast.
i've been tasting some interesting things like bread and butter pudding, sticky toffee pudding, english tea, black pudding (blood-soaked sausage) and things of the like.
i went to some amazing vintage stores yesterday. think LONDON 60s. i could have totally looked like a spice girl if i wanted to.
i also feel like watching the BBC version of pride and prejudice again. also, i want a school uniform! they're so cute!
also, i went here today (little moreton hall)! think alice in wonderland.
Monday, April 27, 2009
england!
hello friends! i made it to england after being detained by customs, because chloe didn't bring the address where we staying. haha! they had to page the family we were staying with so that they would know for sure what we would be doing in this country! haha.
tell you more later. heading to the countryside. we're staying at a bed and breakfast somewhere close to where Beatrix Potter lived. :)
bye! the family is super nice! i like the british better than the french.
tell you more later. heading to the countryside. we're staying at a bed and breakfast somewhere close to where Beatrix Potter lived. :)
bye! the family is super nice! i like the british better than the french.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
cheshire cats and tudor homes
hello!
i'm getting very excited, i leave for england tomorrow! i need a change of scenery, my host mother has been getting on my nerves with her selfish endeavors. This week has been enjoyable but i've had too much time on my hands and need more outer stimulation.
today i'm going to meet chloe for a cup of coffee and explore these trails that mysteriously get lost into the woods my by apartment. i've never been in there buy everyday when i walk home i see women, babies, runners, appearing from the thicket clearing.
i'm tired of the french intonation. it's so demanding and annoyingly animated, in a whiny insupressible way. well actually i just said that because as i was writing very clearly in my clean crisp room when MADAME ALLOUCHERIE started nagging me about hanging my laundry. it makes me miss my REAL mother! who treats me like an ADULT who is not a child and who knows how to take care of herself! HELLO! i've lived on my own for three years and like it that way! i have a strong inclination that a french woman would be very difficult to be in a relationship with because they're so touchy and capricious.
luckily, i will have a week of english air to clear out my lungs! then i can deal with two more weeks of pleasantries and artificial flatteries. i have to say, i miss american people the most of all... i am going to feel like everyone wants to be my friend when i return, even the grocery clerk and the barista at starbucks. i like flirting with strangers, even if i'll never see them again or have to attraction whatsoever. at first the idea of the "european private lifestyle" intrigued me, but now i just feel like saying "get over yourself" you're just the same as any one of us, your life isn't any more interesting than mine.
<3
i'm getting very excited, i leave for england tomorrow! i need a change of scenery, my host mother has been getting on my nerves with her selfish endeavors. This week has been enjoyable but i've had too much time on my hands and need more outer stimulation.
today i'm going to meet chloe for a cup of coffee and explore these trails that mysteriously get lost into the woods my by apartment. i've never been in there buy everyday when i walk home i see women, babies, runners, appearing from the thicket clearing.
i'm tired of the french intonation. it's so demanding and annoyingly animated, in a whiny insupressible way. well actually i just said that because as i was writing very clearly in my clean crisp room when MADAME ALLOUCHERIE started nagging me about hanging my laundry. it makes me miss my REAL mother! who treats me like an ADULT who is not a child and who knows how to take care of herself! HELLO! i've lived on my own for three years and like it that way! i have a strong inclination that a french woman would be very difficult to be in a relationship with because they're so touchy and capricious.
luckily, i will have a week of english air to clear out my lungs! then i can deal with two more weeks of pleasantries and artificial flatteries. i have to say, i miss american people the most of all... i am going to feel like everyone wants to be my friend when i return, even the grocery clerk and the barista at starbucks. i like flirting with strangers, even if i'll never see them again or have to attraction whatsoever. at first the idea of the "european private lifestyle" intrigued me, but now i just feel like saying "get over yourself" you're just the same as any one of us, your life isn't any more interesting than mine.
<3
Friday, April 24, 2009
when harry met sally...
aww i really like this movie! haha. can't beat the 90s. there were so many good one liners, i could have died! i need to watch more movies from this period.
so a prominent issue in the movie was the debate of whether you can have true friends of the opposite sex without the "sexual tension". the woman of course said it was possible, but the man said if you're attracted to someone of the opposite sex, that will keep you from truly being real friends and you just couldn't be friends with someone you are attracted to. i feel like this is a breakthrough in the psychology of men and women!!! i really think women can have friends of the opposite sex and think nothing of it, but from personal experience men seem to have troubles having girls that are just friends...
What do you think!? I am VERY curious.
so a prominent issue in the movie was the debate of whether you can have true friends of the opposite sex without the "sexual tension". the woman of course said it was possible, but the man said if you're attracted to someone of the opposite sex, that will keep you from truly being real friends and you just couldn't be friends with someone you are attracted to. i feel like this is a breakthrough in the psychology of men and women!!! i really think women can have friends of the opposite sex and think nothing of it, but from personal experience men seem to have troubles having girls that are just friends...
What do you think!? I am VERY curious.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
more of you, more of me
well the truth is...
i am becoming more of myself...
the me that laughs ALL of the time
the me that excites imaginative ideas
the me that just wants to enjoy life
the me that wants to play with you
the me that is happy!
In class this week, i was just dying of laughter for some reason, maybe it was the fact that all of these foreigners are trying to sing uninhibitedly to french songs, i do not know. but i'm getting really comfortable with chloe by this time and hour and she just loved it! she couldn't look at me with a straight face, and sometimes when i am talking to her (usually acting something out or ridiculously annoyed or astonished) she just smiles and says "i am going to really miss you" and the real underlying factor is being around people who enjoy you. i just want to love and be loved in return! it's not such a grand request!
i am becoming more of myself...
the me that laughs ALL of the time
the me that excites imaginative ideas
the me that just wants to enjoy life
the me that wants to play with you
the me that is happy!
In class this week, i was just dying of laughter for some reason, maybe it was the fact that all of these foreigners are trying to sing uninhibitedly to french songs, i do not know. but i'm getting really comfortable with chloe by this time and hour and she just loved it! she couldn't look at me with a straight face, and sometimes when i am talking to her (usually acting something out or ridiculously annoyed or astonished) she just smiles and says "i am going to really miss you" and the real underlying factor is being around people who enjoy you. i just want to love and be loved in return! it's not such a grand request!
RUMI
so, when i was in paris i bought a Rumi book from the famous bookstore Shakespeare & Co. and this book is amazing. it blows my mind every day. here is one of the inscriptions:
Nothing Happens Without You
Should everything pass away,
it couldn't happen without You.
This heart of mine bears Your imprint;
it has nowhere else to turn.
The eye of intellect is drunk with You,
the wheeling galaxy is humble before You,
the ear of ecstasy is in Your hand;
nothing happens without You.
The soul is bubbling with You,
the heart imbibes You,
the intellect bellows in rapture;
nothing happens without You.
You, my grape wine and my intoxication,
my rose garden and my springtime,
my sleep and repose;
nothing happens without You.
You are my grandeur and glory,
you are my possessions and prosperity,
you are my purest water;
nothing happens without You.
It is all Your being, Your gentle good faith or Your seemingly cruelty.
You are everything of mine;
no matter where You are going,
nothing happens without You.
They place their hearts with You,
and You break them;
they repent, You break them again.
You do all of this Yourself;
nothing happens without You.
Were something to happen without You,
the world would be overturned.
The Garden of Eden would turn to Hell;
nothing happens without You.
If You are a head, I'll become Your feet,
and if You are a fist, I'll become Your flag.
If You disappear, I'll turn to nothing;
nothing happens without You.
You've disturbed my sleep,
You've effaced my personality,
You've broken every attachment;
nothing happens without You.
Should You stop being my Beloved,
my affairs would be disastrous.
My Comforter, my dear Companion!
Nothing happens without You.
Without You, life would not be delightful
nor death joyous;
how can I rebel against Your sorrow?
Nothing happens without You.
Whatever I say, O seal of judges,
all seemingly good and evil notwithstanding,
say it Yourself, by Your Grace;
nothing happens without You.
Divani Shamsi Tabrizi 553
Nothing Happens Without You
Should everything pass away,
it couldn't happen without You.
This heart of mine bears Your imprint;
it has nowhere else to turn.
The eye of intellect is drunk with You,
the wheeling galaxy is humble before You,
the ear of ecstasy is in Your hand;
nothing happens without You.
The soul is bubbling with You,
the heart imbibes You,
the intellect bellows in rapture;
nothing happens without You.
You, my grape wine and my intoxication,
my rose garden and my springtime,
my sleep and repose;
nothing happens without You.
You are my grandeur and glory,
you are my possessions and prosperity,
you are my purest water;
nothing happens without You.
It is all Your being, Your gentle good faith or Your seemingly cruelty.
You are everything of mine;
no matter where You are going,
nothing happens without You.
They place their hearts with You,
and You break them;
they repent, You break them again.
You do all of this Yourself;
nothing happens without You.
Were something to happen without You,
the world would be overturned.
The Garden of Eden would turn to Hell;
nothing happens without You.
If You are a head, I'll become Your feet,
and if You are a fist, I'll become Your flag.
If You disappear, I'll turn to nothing;
nothing happens without You.
You've disturbed my sleep,
You've effaced my personality,
You've broken every attachment;
nothing happens without You.
Should You stop being my Beloved,
my affairs would be disastrous.
My Comforter, my dear Companion!
Nothing happens without You.
Without You, life would not be delightful
nor death joyous;
how can I rebel against Your sorrow?
Nothing happens without You.
Whatever I say, O seal of judges,
all seemingly good and evil notwithstanding,
say it Yourself, by Your Grace;
nothing happens without You.
Divani Shamsi Tabrizi 553
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
hi.
hello friends.
i miss you. i have most of the day off so i'm doing my own thing, but i just wish you were here and i could show you around, go to cafes, have a pique-nique, meander from fountain to fountain, eat amazing food. i'm getting tired of doing it by myself. of course i do things with chloe but she is in different classes and we have different schedules during the week...i just miss you.
i'm hoping i will find something to do for my first week of vacation which starts friday! :( my plans keep falling through, and i don't want to be lounging around all week. i do enough of that while i'm IN school! haha. luckily the second week is definite and already booked to England! I think the couple took off of work to show us around? :) can't wait!!!
i miss you. i have most of the day off so i'm doing my own thing, but i just wish you were here and i could show you around, go to cafes, have a pique-nique, meander from fountain to fountain, eat amazing food. i'm getting tired of doing it by myself. of course i do things with chloe but she is in different classes and we have different schedules during the week...i just miss you.
i'm hoping i will find something to do for my first week of vacation which starts friday! :( my plans keep falling through, and i don't want to be lounging around all week. i do enough of that while i'm IN school! haha. luckily the second week is definite and already booked to England! I think the couple took off of work to show us around? :) can't wait!!!
Monday, April 13, 2009
fierce.
there is a part of me that suppressed for others sake, it stirs and is agitated from deep within, and now has been unearthed. well if you want to like me, you can like all of me! there are no obligations! i do not require you to sign at the dotted line.
and the truth is i am a little more ferocious than you think, i am a little more responsive than you want, i am little more complex than you care to accept. so the next time i do something you don't like, don't turn your back to me because i can walk around to your front, and you can look me in the eyes and say it rather than play manipulative games with me. because although i'm fierce and coy there's something i'm not.. and that is conniving and manipulative.
i like to sing loudly to 80s epic love songs, and i will yell things in public and make a scene, and sometimes i like ridiculous fashion and bright lipstick. i liked it before you, and i like it after you. my life did not end when i jetted off to another hemisphere without you. it's just begun.
and the truth is i am a little more ferocious than you think, i am a little more responsive than you want, i am little more complex than you care to accept. so the next time i do something you don't like, don't turn your back to me because i can walk around to your front, and you can look me in the eyes and say it rather than play manipulative games with me. because although i'm fierce and coy there's something i'm not.. and that is conniving and manipulative.
i like to sing loudly to 80s epic love songs, and i will yell things in public and make a scene, and sometimes i like ridiculous fashion and bright lipstick. i liked it before you, and i like it after you. my life did not end when i jetted off to another hemisphere without you. it's just begun.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
AVIGNON
This is where I was today. it is a midieval city, "city of the popes", very fortress-like. I'll add my photos soon. there was a lot of interesting architecture to look at. there is a wall around the entire city, but the moat is now buried with dirt. :( It was so quaint, yet classy. It's interesting that the small towns and the countryside here in France have an art and theater scene and cute boutiques. In the u.s. there is absolutely nothing in smaller towns.
Friday, April 10, 2009
the breeze through my window
if you look through my photos of paris, there is a couple of the trianon (this mini chateau! it was marie antoinette's personal chateau, she also had her own little village made especially for her)
Thursday, April 9, 2009
dreamer
i never used to dream at night.. and it used to be rare that i would wake up and remember a dream that i had. but lately i have been waking up in the middle of my dreams (to my alarm)... and in an instant i come our of that dream and i'm really confused. they usually involve serious matters and people from present to past. it's really strange. every since i came here...
consequently, i've been interested in the meaning of dreams. i read an article that proposed that we dream of things our mind has not had time to work out that day, or things left unfinished. but then, if you always tried not to think of a person, you would probably always dream about them because even though you didn't want to think about them, your mind would need to work through their presence in your life... right? so then repressing memories and people would have no effect on our emotional well being. so i don't know if this can be true. but at the same time, it's interesting what your mind can create, that reflects reality in grand exaggeration. maybe our unconscious minds are much more honest than our conscious minds... although i've never been a big supporter of Freud.
consequently, i've been interested in the meaning of dreams. i read an article that proposed that we dream of things our mind has not had time to work out that day, or things left unfinished. but then, if you always tried not to think of a person, you would probably always dream about them because even though you didn't want to think about them, your mind would need to work through their presence in your life... right? so then repressing memories and people would have no effect on our emotional well being. so i don't know if this can be true. but at the same time, it's interesting what your mind can create, that reflects reality in grand exaggeration. maybe our unconscious minds are much more honest than our conscious minds... although i've never been a big supporter of Freud.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
only the lonely
I am young. I am free, liberated like a little yellow bird. I live in the clouds but know all that goes on below, but I prefer not to live there. Because those who live below forget to look to the sky, they don’t see clouds or the sun but their feet shuffling on uneven ground.
I know where I am going, there is a little current that I let myself be carried on, once in a while it turns into a little funnel cloud and feel like I’m going in circles. But soon after I am redirected in the direction of life.
If you stand in my path, I will walk around you, if it’s impossible. If not, I will find another way, come hell or high water there is another way. I will find it. I will take it. I may have to walk amongst thorns and thick brush, but I will come out alive, and I will see the sun when I do. And I will remember the sun when in the deep shadows of the night.
Because there is beauty and I sometimes I let people tell me there is not, that love doesn’t exist, that it is some false emotion, an ideal, not a reality, but I know differently. It is the most wonderful feeling/knowing that you are loved and have the ability to love another. And although some believe it doesn’t exist, I shut them out. But so sorry for them, they will never experience it because they don’t believe. They believe they are the biggest thing in this world—oh what a destitute life condemned to loneliness and grievances. But I am me, I start with one person, myself, and can only do what I can for them to see the light. I move on, or my light will be shut out. One little person is only so strong. You need to keep moving. Although my heart still aches for what they will never experience.
I know where I am going, there is a little current that I let myself be carried on, once in a while it turns into a little funnel cloud and feel like I’m going in circles. But soon after I am redirected in the direction of life.
If you stand in my path, I will walk around you, if it’s impossible. If not, I will find another way, come hell or high water there is another way. I will find it. I will take it. I may have to walk amongst thorns and thick brush, but I will come out alive, and I will see the sun when I do. And I will remember the sun when in the deep shadows of the night.
Because there is beauty and I sometimes I let people tell me there is not, that love doesn’t exist, that it is some false emotion, an ideal, not a reality, but I know differently. It is the most wonderful feeling/knowing that you are loved and have the ability to love another. And although some believe it doesn’t exist, I shut them out. But so sorry for them, they will never experience it because they don’t believe. They believe they are the biggest thing in this world—oh what a destitute life condemned to loneliness and grievances. But I am me, I start with one person, myself, and can only do what I can for them to see the light. I move on, or my light will be shut out. One little person is only so strong. You need to keep moving. Although my heart still aches for what they will never experience.
Monday, April 6, 2009
life. xxx
so, i have a lot of planning to do overseas, which is fun but is also driving me because it's complicated.
for example, internship...probably not going to happen this summer. i can only find volunteer internships, which isn't so much the problem as much as i have to PAY to volunteer (over $1200 to be exact) without financial aid beacuse it's under 12 credits! i'm already going to come back to the U.S. broke... so it will just not work. but now i don't know when i'm going to do my internship. this last year of school i am going to have many hard upper level psych classes, and i'll have to do my internship on top of that! but whatever! you have to do what you have to do i guess. ( i would do it next summer but then i couldn't graduate in may).
also, i need a job for the summer, luckily i already have one job at the library: 23 hours a week starting june 1st! but i need to find another job. a good one preferably 20 more hours would be good. i applied at some places online, like augustana. if you know of any job openings, let me know.
although this is a fun part of my life, it will be really nice to be able to support myself one day and not have to worry about getting by. but! i have a few more years before i can even wish for that! haha.
for example, internship...probably not going to happen this summer. i can only find volunteer internships, which isn't so much the problem as much as i have to PAY to volunteer (over $1200 to be exact) without financial aid beacuse it's under 12 credits! i'm already going to come back to the U.S. broke... so it will just not work. but now i don't know when i'm going to do my internship. this last year of school i am going to have many hard upper level psych classes, and i'll have to do my internship on top of that! but whatever! you have to do what you have to do i guess. ( i would do it next summer but then i couldn't graduate in may).
also, i need a job for the summer, luckily i already have one job at the library: 23 hours a week starting june 1st! but i need to find another job. a good one preferably 20 more hours would be good. i applied at some places online, like augustana. if you know of any job openings, let me know.
although this is a fun part of my life, it will be really nice to be able to support myself one day and not have to worry about getting by. but! i have a few more years before i can even wish for that! haha.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
hello morning glory
i have a new appreciations for mornings. i like going to bed relatively early and getting up early. opening my shutters, surveying the weather for the day. having my coffee and biscuits and bread with butter and jam and oranges. i feel very at peace with sitting in my illuminated white room, with the window door open. spending the mornings reading, sending e-mails to friends and family and looking things up on the internet, and feeling like i have no where else in the world that i need to be except in this very place. i have a few little cards from friends on my little dresser, to make me think of them often. i have my little drawing of venice across the the room perched next to my alarm clock. it is clear and clean and light.
Only if you have been in the deepest valley can you know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.
Only if you have been in the deepest valley can you know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.
-Richard Milhous Nixon
Friday, April 3, 2009
"king me"
i don't need anything at all!!! today i was just thinking about how i've been honest, which sounds a little hauty but it isn't. it's just that i am very happy that i have been forward with people and said how i felt and who i am. because i said it and i meant it, and i will not take it back because it was honest and it was true. and i did not fake anything. and for some reason that made me very happy. i'm not bottling up emotions, it's because i'm letting them all out like the bakers keep their doors open to let out the aroma of fresh bread into the streets. and soon it's not about this or that but it's about the sky i see, and the birds chirping in the windows, and the little flower buds perking up, and the scent of lavender in the air. and you know life goes on.
In Normandy (northern France) at the battle grounds of the second world war, there are still half-destroyed bunkers and and in the fields, hills created by bombs and however horrific it is to see, there were innumerable tiny white flowers covering the battlefield as though the corpses of the dead bodies had little seeds planted in them. and of all colors white, the color of peace and surrender. it was beautiful, it is over. but of course it had to first be tragic and a painful and disheartening at times.
ok... i heard this song and i just kind of thought to myself, this is how love should be. it isn't complicated, or hurtful, or malintentioned. i need to be much more apprehensive when getting into my next relationship. because love isn't a chess game, and i shouldn't have to guard my pieces as if in opposition. or make them sidestep in some type of formative pattern in order to get what i want or need.
this song may seem a little cliche, but with all universal emotions, it's bound to be:
In Normandy (northern France) at the battle grounds of the second world war, there are still half-destroyed bunkers and and in the fields, hills created by bombs and however horrific it is to see, there were innumerable tiny white flowers covering the battlefield as though the corpses of the dead bodies had little seeds planted in them. and of all colors white, the color of peace and surrender. it was beautiful, it is over. but of course it had to first be tragic and a painful and disheartening at times.
------------------------------------------------------
ok... i heard this song and i just kind of thought to myself, this is how love should be. it isn't complicated, or hurtful, or malintentioned. i need to be much more apprehensive when getting into my next relationship. because love isn't a chess game, and i shouldn't have to guard my pieces as if in opposition. or make them sidestep in some type of formative pattern in order to get what i want or need.
this song may seem a little cliche, but with all universal emotions, it's bound to be:
Thursday, April 2, 2009
hello neighbor!
so in class today, we talked about neighbors. i guess in france they have like "neighbor month" when everyone from their quarter gets together for a party...
but... i guess it's not common for neighbors to become friends here. because we were asked what we look for in a neighbor and i said "someone who is friendly and invites me over for dinner" (limited french knowledge, ok!) and Madame said that it isn't common in French because they are so private with their lives. they will be polite and say "bonjour" in passing but they retreat to their homes. which, made me very sad.
thinking about my parents and how they are friends with all of our neighbors, even some who are in their 30s! and they are truly good friends. there is no boundary line and they don't have guards up. for a while i like that french people were more private... "the european way" but after really thinking about it... it really stifles community. yeah, there are a lot of idiots in America, and there are superficial people, but there is an easiness when communicating with each other that builds community and crosses lines. i like this. i like that my neighbor just walks through our yard and knocks on our back door with his little kid in a superman costume, or that my mom yells things to "bella", the neighbors dog out her back window, or that my dad exchanges tools with guys in the neighborhood, or that my parents have newlyweds over for a campfire in the summer, or that my neighbor brought me over gourmet coffee because he didn't like it, or that my family makes christmas cookies and goodies and we bring them to our neighbors just because we want to. i feel like this is the way things were supposed to be...
but... i guess it's not common for neighbors to become friends here. because we were asked what we look for in a neighbor and i said "someone who is friendly and invites me over for dinner" (limited french knowledge, ok!) and Madame said that it isn't common in French because they are so private with their lives. they will be polite and say "bonjour" in passing but they retreat to their homes. which, made me very sad.
thinking about my parents and how they are friends with all of our neighbors, even some who are in their 30s! and they are truly good friends. there is no boundary line and they don't have guards up. for a while i like that french people were more private... "the european way" but after really thinking about it... it really stifles community. yeah, there are a lot of idiots in America, and there are superficial people, but there is an easiness when communicating with each other that builds community and crosses lines. i like this. i like that my neighbor just walks through our yard and knocks on our back door with his little kid in a superman costume, or that my mom yells things to "bella", the neighbors dog out her back window, or that my dad exchanges tools with guys in the neighborhood, or that my parents have newlyweds over for a campfire in the summer, or that my neighbor brought me over gourmet coffee because he didn't like it, or that my family makes christmas cookies and goodies and we bring them to our neighbors just because we want to. i feel like this is the way things were supposed to be...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
miss list!
1. pumping the music and dancing/singing/looking at myself doing ridiculous things in the mirror. haha!
2. wearing heels...( i walk everywhere so i can't).
3. wearing short little dresses and strutting around uptown (wait i never did that)
4. this is turning into a seduction list?!
5. (i continue) do you have to do something in order to miss it?
6. because i'm missing things i never do...
7. like working out and wearing low riding jeans with big belt buckles (ok i did that when i was like 16) and having long hair
8. and going to large outdoor festivals where i can scream and push people around! and yell the words to the songs?
9. and giving people seductive anonymous glances...
something is VERY wrong.
2. wearing heels...( i walk everywhere so i can't).
3. wearing short little dresses and strutting around uptown (wait i never did that)
4. this is turning into a seduction list?!
5. (i continue) do you have to do something in order to miss it?
6. because i'm missing things i never do...
7. like working out and wearing low riding jeans with big belt buckles (ok i did that when i was like 16) and having long hair
8. and going to large outdoor festivals where i can scream and push people around! and yell the words to the songs?
9. and giving people seductive anonymous glances...
something is VERY wrong.
"to try"
try |trī|
verb ( tries, tried)
1 [ intrans. ] make an attempt or effort to do something : [with infinitive ] he tried to regain his breath | I started to try and untangle the mystery | I decided to try writing fiction | none of them tried very hard | [ trans. ] three times he tried the maneuver and three times he failed.
trying:
it does not mean anything to me. in some languages the word "try" does not exist. i don't want it to exist in my language. i will or i won't i do or i don't. i live or i die, i'm loud or i'm shy. i hate the word try. it signifies such obscurity, it doesn't mean anything. because who knows how hard you're trying, or if you're appearing to try all while wanting the inverse of what you're working towards!
(breathe)
verb ( tries, tried)
1 [ intrans. ] make an attempt or effort to do something : [with infinitive ] he tried to regain his breath | I started to try and untangle the mystery | I decided to try writing fiction | none of them tried very hard | [ trans. ] three times he tried the maneuver and three times he failed.
trying:
it does not mean anything to me. in some languages the word "try" does not exist. i don't want it to exist in my language. i will or i won't i do or i don't. i live or i die, i'm loud or i'm shy. i hate the word try. it signifies such obscurity, it doesn't mean anything. because who knows how hard you're trying, or if you're appearing to try all while wanting the inverse of what you're working towards!
(breathe)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
a lot like paradise
well friends, needless to say I had a great weekend. the family we stayed with is so warm and welcoming and had an amazing villa with all of the fixings (as you can see in the photos). we arrived there friday afternoon and we ate lunch outside on the little picnic table, facing the oliverie. the weather was beautiful and sunny, and i felt like i was in paradise. after lunch we got right to work... we took a little tour of their property and Annie showed us an old roman bridge hidden in the woods. chloe and i planted two cherry trees and an apricot tree, then a little later we went to their vineyard and help plant some vines! man, i am going to miss the 4 course dinners here, and wine!
unfortunately the rest of the weekend the weather was not very nice, so we set some fires in the woods because in southern france there is a lot of dry brush and in the summer when it gets very hot, there are many forest fires, so people are required to "clean" their forests and burn brush. this seemed to be a very funny thing to be doing while is france (to me).
Annie brought us to Saint Tropez for the rest of the day... we had to drive through mountains to get there and it was so beautiful. St. Tropez is on the coast (mediterranean) and it's very ritzy, many celebrities come there especially in the summer. the french daughter said she saw Bruce Willis there one summer. haha. we also went to a interpretive dance saturday night... the dancer's interpretation of the islamic religion... it was super interesting and amazing how he could move his body. it made me want to be a devout yogi!
the rest of the weekend we spent eating, lounging, and looking at fashion magazines (Madame Figaro. haha). the french mom, Annie asked for my e-mail address to stay in contact with me. :)
now i'm back in Aix, going to class, getting back into the groove.
Oh, so in europe they have this amazing invention called good espresso vending machines!!! the machine makes it right in front of you, you can choose how much sugar you want. plain espresso, cafe creme, cafe au lait, etc. i will take a picture. a cafe creme (=espresso and a little milk) is 60 centimes (euro cents)!!! and so during class breaks (because sometimes i have 4 hours classes) there are a bunch of people who gather in the courtyard sitting on benches, smoking, etc. with these little espresso cups. it''s purely divine! and i do not know why we do not have them!!! they have them here in gas stations, at my school, airports, TGV stations, everywhere!
Can you believe tomorrow will be APRIL? i can't.
P.S. skype me! it's fun.
unfortunately the rest of the weekend the weather was not very nice, so we set some fires in the woods because in southern france there is a lot of dry brush and in the summer when it gets very hot, there are many forest fires, so people are required to "clean" their forests and burn brush. this seemed to be a very funny thing to be doing while is france (to me).
Annie brought us to Saint Tropez for the rest of the day... we had to drive through mountains to get there and it was so beautiful. St. Tropez is on the coast (mediterranean) and it's very ritzy, many celebrities come there especially in the summer. the french daughter said she saw Bruce Willis there one summer. haha. we also went to a interpretive dance saturday night... the dancer's interpretation of the islamic religion... it was super interesting and amazing how he could move his body. it made me want to be a devout yogi!
the rest of the weekend we spent eating, lounging, and looking at fashion magazines (Madame Figaro. haha). the french mom, Annie asked for my e-mail address to stay in contact with me. :)
now i'm back in Aix, going to class, getting back into the groove.
Oh, so in europe they have this amazing invention called good espresso vending machines!!! the machine makes it right in front of you, you can choose how much sugar you want. plain espresso, cafe creme, cafe au lait, etc. i will take a picture. a cafe creme (=espresso and a little milk) is 60 centimes (euro cents)!!! and so during class breaks (because sometimes i have 4 hours classes) there are a bunch of people who gather in the courtyard sitting on benches, smoking, etc. with these little espresso cups. it''s purely divine! and i do not know why we do not have them!!! they have them here in gas stations, at my school, airports, TGV stations, everywhere!
Can you believe tomorrow will be APRIL? i can't.
P.S. skype me! it's fun.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
le week-end
So what i've been learning that strikes are very common here. although the french have practically free schooling, because of all of the strikes going on right now they cannot hold class and therefore their schooling is prolonged. i was talking to violette about it and she said she was in class and a bunch of communist students came in and started yelling things and calling the teacher a fascist so they had to stop class! and yesterday she attempted to go to her class and there were tons of chairs put outside of the classroom and in front of the door so you couldn't enter. woah! you really learn the best and worst things about your own country. I responded by saying "well at least you don't have to pay for school" and she said, " yeah but i would rather pay knowing I would be getting something in return!" haha. yeah, the U.S. is also more official in their offices and important matters like that. The bureau for foreign students is a joke... they are very disorganized and illogical. i still don't know how many credits my french program is. all i know is it is at least 12. oh, but the funniest thing here is if there is an organized strike, the people on strike still get paid!!! ridiculous.
I also learned that France's social security is better than the U.S. because the money people pay for social security (money coming our of their check like taxes) is directly payed to retired people right then... our (U.S.) social security apparently is INVESTED and so when there are economic problems, it is not certain that the funds be there when we get older!!! yikes.
to believe or not believe:
this weekend i am visiting the family that i stayed with in Paris. they invited Chloe and I to come to their home in the southern countryside. when we were in Paris, the father jokingly invited us, saying we should come and trim olive branches. then he casually mentioned while we were eating that the wine we were drinking with the meal was from "their vineyard" so Chloe and i were floored. because when you're filtering through the French language, sometimes you have to think twice. "wait, did he just say they owned a vineyard and an oliverie???" Alyssa thought to herself, shocked but silent. the answer is yes. they do. and i am staying there for the weekend and trimming trees! i'm hoping the weather will be nice! i'll get to meet their other daughter who i haven't met yet. apparently she goes to Oxford in London... i'll let you know how it goes!
haha. i like this little video. someday i want a videocam and make fun little videos.
I also learned that France's social security is better than the U.S. because the money people pay for social security (money coming our of their check like taxes) is directly payed to retired people right then... our (U.S.) social security apparently is INVESTED and so when there are economic problems, it is not certain that the funds be there when we get older!!! yikes.
to believe or not believe:
this weekend i am visiting the family that i stayed with in Paris. they invited Chloe and I to come to their home in the southern countryside. when we were in Paris, the father jokingly invited us, saying we should come and trim olive branches. then he casually mentioned while we were eating that the wine we were drinking with the meal was from "their vineyard" so Chloe and i were floored. because when you're filtering through the French language, sometimes you have to think twice. "wait, did he just say they owned a vineyard and an oliverie???" Alyssa thought to herself, shocked but silent. the answer is yes. they do. and i am staying there for the weekend and trimming trees! i'm hoping the weather will be nice! i'll get to meet their other daughter who i haven't met yet. apparently she goes to Oxford in London... i'll let you know how it goes!
haha. i like this little video. someday i want a videocam and make fun little videos.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
ma belle-mere
here they say beautiful mother, father, etc instead of step-mother or step-father. interesting. they also say celebetaire for being single, which i do NOT prefer, but vive la langue (live the language). I am amazed how time is flying by and how almost every weekend from here on out is planned with some site to see, it makes it seem like i am leaving soon, which i do not want to think about at this moment.
when i first got here and was feeling homesick, there was a wikihow site i was looking "how to fight homesickness" haha, and one suggestion was to immerse yourself in the culture and see what there is to see, meet people and ask about their experiences and it will make you not think about being "stuck here" haha. well i heeded their advice. i have friends here now, a french language partner who is really sweet, and a belle mere. I asked her to watch a movie with me last night, it was french and surprisingly i really understood it (in french with french subtitles). Lately we've been talking about a lot of important matters and just the way society is progressing. I am very surprised to communicate of these topics because they are deep and in French. For example that the feminist movement was not good for families and that the differences between sexes is getting smaller, and that adolescents is becoming longer and that youth are more confused now and that they are less happy. And i guess it is also a trend here to delay marriage, or just live together and not get married. I asked the average age for marriage and she said about 30!!! yikes.
She also talks about her previous American students.... oh man. think paris hiltons. i am glad she knows it depends on the American because she's had some ridiculous but cliche American girls staying with her. I am glad that she views this exchange between us a learning experience for both of us because I am really learning a lot about France and wine and things in general. Yesterday i asked what her favorite age was at dinner and she said she loved every age they are just different and she explained the differences. And i thought of how beautiful that was. She really is a beautiful person. I really got lucky... or maybe luck is the wrong word.
when i first got here and was feeling homesick, there was a wikihow site i was looking "how to fight homesickness" haha, and one suggestion was to immerse yourself in the culture and see what there is to see, meet people and ask about their experiences and it will make you not think about being "stuck here" haha. well i heeded their advice. i have friends here now, a french language partner who is really sweet, and a belle mere. I asked her to watch a movie with me last night, it was french and surprisingly i really understood it (in french with french subtitles). Lately we've been talking about a lot of important matters and just the way society is progressing. I am very surprised to communicate of these topics because they are deep and in French. For example that the feminist movement was not good for families and that the differences between sexes is getting smaller, and that adolescents is becoming longer and that youth are more confused now and that they are less happy. And i guess it is also a trend here to delay marriage, or just live together and not get married. I asked the average age for marriage and she said about 30!!! yikes.
She also talks about her previous American students.... oh man. think paris hiltons. i am glad she knows it depends on the American because she's had some ridiculous but cliche American girls staying with her. I am glad that she views this exchange between us a learning experience for both of us because I am really learning a lot about France and wine and things in general. Yesterday i asked what her favorite age was at dinner and she said she loved every age they are just different and she explained the differences. And i thought of how beautiful that was. She really is a beautiful person. I really got lucky... or maybe luck is the wrong word.
Friday, March 20, 2009
la premier jour de ma vie
i am really starting to like it here. the way i can buy a fresh baguette and cheese and go to the market for some fruit fresh daily and eat lunch by a fountain or in the courtyard of my school...
...or i could have a coffee at a little cafe with a decadent dessert and write or do my homework. i'm really getting used to the provencial landscapes too, mont sainte victoire, the tan/pink/blue stucco apartment buildings and shutters, the olive trees and lavander and poppy flowers, the balconies and beautiful outdoor views.
I am expanding my social network and hanging out with people in my class more. today i had a picnic in the park with 3 girls. I enjoy that everyone seems to be from a different place, i'm learning a lot about everywhere! like that an eraser in the U.K. is a rubber... haha! man, i just want to visit everywhere and see the entire world....
I am pretty sure for my spring break Chloe and I are going to the U.K. for two weeks. One week in London and one in Manchester... her mom seems to have friends all over. I met her mom and she is really fun... she seems to have lived a great life and done many things, she's really interesting. She kind of reminds me of Maryl Streep in Mama Mia! haha. truly. i really like that movie...
Another things... it seems i am slipping into the oblivion, as if i am disappearing from the radar, but for the first time in my life i am happy with that. being normal has never seemed so beautiful and ideal to me as it does now. I just feel like i don't need anything anymore, just knowing is enough, i don't have to say it or post it on a bilboard or anything because i have it and that's all that's necessary. Most of my life I wanted it to be known that i was different and be marked by differences, but no, not now. I have found this sense of security in that no matter what, other people cannot take some things away from you... there are aspects of yourself that belong solely and inherently to you alone, and they can't take that unless you let them.
Selah.
...or i could have a coffee at a little cafe with a decadent dessert and write or do my homework. i'm really getting used to the provencial landscapes too, mont sainte victoire, the tan/pink/blue stucco apartment buildings and shutters, the olive trees and lavander and poppy flowers, the balconies and beautiful outdoor views.
I am expanding my social network and hanging out with people in my class more. today i had a picnic in the park with 3 girls. I enjoy that everyone seems to be from a different place, i'm learning a lot about everywhere! like that an eraser in the U.K. is a rubber... haha! man, i just want to visit everywhere and see the entire world....
I am pretty sure for my spring break Chloe and I are going to the U.K. for two weeks. One week in London and one in Manchester... her mom seems to have friends all over. I met her mom and she is really fun... she seems to have lived a great life and done many things, she's really interesting. She kind of reminds me of Maryl Streep in Mama Mia! haha. truly. i really like that movie...
Another things... it seems i am slipping into the oblivion, as if i am disappearing from the radar, but for the first time in my life i am happy with that. being normal has never seemed so beautiful and ideal to me as it does now. I just feel like i don't need anything anymore, just knowing is enough, i don't have to say it or post it on a bilboard or anything because i have it and that's all that's necessary. Most of my life I wanted it to be known that i was different and be marked by differences, but no, not now. I have found this sense of security in that no matter what, other people cannot take some things away from you... there are aspects of yourself that belong solely and inherently to you alone, and they can't take that unless you let them.
Selah.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
st. patrick's day
haha. so last night, i decided randomly that i wanted to go out for st. patrick's day... talk about ridiculous. i felt like i was in america. it was such a culture clash... thinking the french are taking part in this "holiday" (just another excuse to drink). so i went to an irish pub (there are a total of three in aix) and all of the little streets were pretty spare until BAM, i turned around the corner and people were bursting out of the pub, tons of drunks in the street drinking beer and wearing crazy hats and things. i met chloe and my swedish friend, frida and we went in and had a guiness (which i did not enjoy a drop of, but hello it's st. patrick's day!) had a few run-ins with some french drunks, and once again realized that i just do not belong in the night life scene. haha. i'm glad i went though, i've been wanting to go out here just to see what it's like and I have never taken part in this holiday before except for having a shamrock shake one year.... which might i add tasted much better than the dreadful beer i drank. so, Oh and i like irish coffee better too! next year perhaps live jazz and an irish coffee will suit me just fine.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
IXVM
I. There is this girl in my class that I have been getting to know, she's from California and somehow we got to talking about religion a few times in class (speaking in French)... she is agnostic, and often tells me her problem with Christianity and i defend it a try to help her understand it. But the hardest thing about it is that with our generation it is impossible to make anything seem valid. We don't believe in anything, and if we do we believe in everything and we have a preference but all paths are equally good, there is no right or absolute path. So even though I tell her for example that I am a Protestant, she will say "good for you, I am a -----". And she even told me that she likes Judaism, Islam, and Buddhism because they are different from Christianity (what she grew up with)- it has no logic theologically at all, but that she thinks other religions are more interesting.. not that they are any more truthful or right, but because they are more interesting. But I am glad being here is making me realize that i am in the world rather than protected in a safe environment, it is very interesting being surrounded by non-Christians all of the time.
II. I am very content knowing that I am finally doing what I want to do... that i'm not waiting for a future date, or looking forward to a unattainable future. I am finally doing one of the major goals that I have wanted to do for a long time... some days i questioned if it would ever come and here it is. There were so many pot holes and obstacles and I questioned whether I was even supposed to come, and even when I got here it got even harder which i did not imagine and it was trial after trial slowly it became worth it. It is how I imagine a jet taking off... it has to break through layers of the earth's atmosphere and there is full turbulence and you can tell the engines are working in overdrive and you are kind of nervous to see if you'll actually get to the place of zero gravity and bam! there you are! and there are all of the stars and the moon!
III. i don't think Kirsten Dunst is a great actress but for some reason I like all of the films she was in (that i saw) especially elizabethtown and I have this fascination with her. this for example...
II. I am very content knowing that I am finally doing what I want to do... that i'm not waiting for a future date, or looking forward to a unattainable future. I am finally doing one of the major goals that I have wanted to do for a long time... some days i questioned if it would ever come and here it is. There were so many pot holes and obstacles and I questioned whether I was even supposed to come, and even when I got here it got even harder which i did not imagine and it was trial after trial slowly it became worth it. It is how I imagine a jet taking off... it has to break through layers of the earth's atmosphere and there is full turbulence and you can tell the engines are working in overdrive and you are kind of nervous to see if you'll actually get to the place of zero gravity and bam! there you are! and there are all of the stars and the moon!
III. i don't think Kirsten Dunst is a great actress but for some reason I like all of the films she was in (that i saw) especially elizabethtown and I have this fascination with her. this for example...
Friday, March 13, 2009
easy
sooo... i have been thinking about how easy it is to forget someone if you really want to. cutting someone off completely is really the best way to do it. cold turkey. i mean i obviously remember memories and a shared past, but really i feel different, i bet this person that i have forgotten has also changed. i don't remember the sound this blank person's voice and really it's hard for me to picture his face, i seriously cannot remember it. and i have no photos that remind me that it existed. i have no contact with this individual, i may never see this person again. and i trully don't feel anything. no sentiments, no longins, no wanting to talk with him. although somtimes i dream about him, but it isn't really him- it's the embodiment of his vague exterior. and when i wake up for a brief second annoyed that he was in my dream, i just think "well that was not him" he did not do what he would have done in the acutality of existence, it was an idea and anyone could have filled his place but it just so happened to be him. sometimes i want him in my bed with me, but it isn't him i want in my bed with me, it's the idea of what he represented. he gave me physical gratification and maybe it's just the truth that i liked that and that idea more than i liked him, and maybe towards the end i used that to keep him a little longer than i should have. it's that place i wanted filled.
so here it is, i settled. i lowered my standards for instant gratification.
i learned.
and now i'm in France and traveling the world!!!
so here it is, i settled. i lowered my standards for instant gratification.
i learned.
and now i'm in France and traveling the world!!!
deep violet
color personality quiz... it's correct.
Purple is the color of spirituality. Purple personalities are always striving to be better than they consider themselves to be, both on a spiritual, emotional and a mental plane.
Needing more knowledge, they become avid readers. Trying to become what they think they should be, they search their own lives and the lives of others to find the answers. The study of religions makes them feel as if they are accomplishing something bigger than themselves in life. A good theological discussion is right up their alley.
Wanting to help as many people as they can, they are more than willing to give you the benefit of their education. Trying to achieve perfection, they seem to struggle with themselves more than most because they tend to be so critical of themselves.
http://www.personalityquiz.net/colortests/colors.htm
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
i'm just a small town girl
i don't think anyone really realizes that i am from a small town and i've seen very traditional relationships and i know what hick and country are. Many of my cousins have worked on farms, my uncle had a farm when I was younger, me and my other cousins got to name the little pigs (not knowing we would eventually be eating them) and saw calves being born, we used to run from the mean geese that my uncle had as pets. My uncles hunt, my aunts care way too much about the size of their diamonds (more so than their relationships) my brother is a hick, i know guys who only like trucks, hunt, and work on cars, they never went to school--they just learned since they were young. Most of my extended relatives have some form of taxidermy in their house. Pretty much all of my aunts and uncles never went to college.
Sometimes i question how i got here? When i talk to some of my cousins, they act like going to college, moving away, visiting France is some other world that they can't enter. It's really sad... that they don't think they could have dreams. I am very thankful to have amazing parents.
Although I think i've been on opposite spectrums trying to balance where i came from and who i want to be, i need to be in the center. I feel like i keep jumping all over the spectrum with what i want and eventually i will land in the middle.
ok... i am realy warming up to Taylor Swift... haha. and i like this song! and i wouldn't mind something a little more traditional. i was traditionally brought up- these are my roots! i wouldn't mind living in a small town again or maybe even having a little farm... some chickens, a cow. but the beautiful thing is! I haven't made any decisions yet! I can still change what I want, i am young! Next week I can decide I want to teach English in China after I graduate if i want to!
Sometimes i question how i got here? When i talk to some of my cousins, they act like going to college, moving away, visiting France is some other world that they can't enter. It's really sad... that they don't think they could have dreams. I am very thankful to have amazing parents.
Although I think i've been on opposite spectrums trying to balance where i came from and who i want to be, i need to be in the center. I feel like i keep jumping all over the spectrum with what i want and eventually i will land in the middle.
ok... i am realy warming up to Taylor Swift... haha. and i like this song! and i wouldn't mind something a little more traditional. i was traditionally brought up- these are my roots! i wouldn't mind living in a small town again or maybe even having a little farm... some chickens, a cow. but the beautiful thing is! I haven't made any decisions yet! I can still change what I want, i am young! Next week I can decide I want to teach English in China after I graduate if i want to!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
i was a dreamer before i met you:
i am a princess.
this is a fairytale.
i am the one you'll sweep off her feet
and lead her up the stairwell.
this is a big town.
this is hollywood.
i am a dreamer.
not too late for a white horse to come around.
this is a fairytale.
i am the one you'll sweep off her feet
and lead her up the stairwell.
this is a big town.
this is hollywood.
i am a dreamer.
not too late for a white horse to come around.
Monday, March 9, 2009
???
is it bad that lovey dovey things make me a little sick right now?
hahaha. it's sad but true. not in an overly pessimistic way or anything but when i see high schoolers making out at the bus stop and imagining what they are promising each other i can't help but think it's all a little ridiculous. and even people my age-- i prefer not to take part. hearts and stars and unreachable dreams right now. i don't know, i'm really into friendships at the moment.
it's really strange... i was talking to chloe the other day about how i have two friends getting married this summer and she thought it was the weirdest thing to get married so young. and really, i have been in the Christian subculture mindset that it is normal. so it was really refreshing to hear that on the large scale, it isn't! I really had to step back to think about it because i really that it was super normal.
hahaha. it's sad but true. not in an overly pessimistic way or anything but when i see high schoolers making out at the bus stop and imagining what they are promising each other i can't help but think it's all a little ridiculous. and even people my age-- i prefer not to take part. hearts and stars and unreachable dreams right now. i don't know, i'm really into friendships at the moment.
it's really strange... i was talking to chloe the other day about how i have two friends getting married this summer and she thought it was the weirdest thing to get married so young. and really, i have been in the Christian subculture mindset that it is normal. so it was really refreshing to hear that on the large scale, it isn't! I really had to step back to think about it because i really that it was super normal.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
la fin de la semaine
Gran Tarino was one of the best films i have seen in a while. i definitely recommend it! wow. bang, and it wasn't dubbed in French! yay. It had French subtitles. The lady's apartment we ate at was atop a hill in Paris and had a great view of the eiffel tower, and i guess on the hour every hour of night it had these crazy blinking lights that look like diamonds! (normally at night it's just lit).
I went to the Champs-Elysees and the arc du triomphe, which is where all of the haute couture stores are. And I went to some high end department stores, le printemps and la gallerie de lafayette. WOW i am floored by all of the haute couture fashion i saw today. but truly, it makes me want to return to fox valley thrift and go thrifting. haha. tried and true.
Today is my last day in Paris, the family we are staying with is bringing us on the bateau mouche- a boat tour on the Seine!!! Then they are bringing us out for supper at a restaurant. They are very generous people and very warm. I will miss them.
I went to the Champs-Elysees and the arc du triomphe, which is where all of the haute couture stores are. And I went to some high end department stores, le printemps and la gallerie de lafayette. WOW i am floored by all of the haute couture fashion i saw today. but truly, it makes me want to return to fox valley thrift and go thrifting. haha. tried and true.
Today is my last day in Paris, the family we are staying with is bringing us on the bateau mouche- a boat tour on the Seine!!! Then they are bringing us out for supper at a restaurant. They are very generous people and very warm. I will miss them.
Friday, March 6, 2009
la cité de la mort
i went to this large cemetary today, called père lachaise cemetary... it is where a plethora of famous people are burried, including:
-edith piaf
-jim morrison
-chopin
-oscar wilde
-proust
It is an elaborate cemetary with large house-like gravestones above ground (it's in Paris, Je t'aime if you remember) ... it's more like a city of the burried than a cemetary. it was beautiful. you will see photos.
i also went to this cafe for lunch and spent way too much money, but it was delicious. i love the food here. i might be splurging on food when i return, but it will be farmer's market!!!
tonight i am (and chloe) going with the mother of the family we are staying with to her friend's house for pizza, then we're all (4 of us) going to the film "Gran Torrino"--hopefully i will understand it because it will most likely be dubbed in French. haha.
-edith piaf
-jim morrison
-chopin
-oscar wilde
-proust
It is an elaborate cemetary with large house-like gravestones above ground (it's in Paris, Je t'aime if you remember) ... it's more like a city of the burried than a cemetary. it was beautiful. you will see photos.
i also went to this cafe for lunch and spent way too much money, but it was delicious. i love the food here. i might be splurging on food when i return, but it will be farmer's market!!!
tonight i am (and chloe) going with the mother of the family we are staying with to her friend's house for pizza, then we're all (4 of us) going to the film "Gran Torrino"--hopefully i will understand it because it will most likely be dubbed in French. haha.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
show your bones (and your books)!
what did i do today?
walked underground a few kilometers, below the metro and the sewers, to the CATACOMBS of Paris! rows and rows of bones of people who in the 1800s had a plague and were brought during the night by a priest wearing all black, below ground and stacked bone by bone- trailing through unending tunnels belowground. it was incredible!
I also went to this famous english bookstore, Shakespeare & Co. where I bought a Rumi book. They stamped it with a shakespeare and co. stamp to show i bought it there. haha. It was so beautiful and charming inside... and I thought of my roommates because a song by Andrew Bird came on. xoxo.
sad embarrassing conviction: i went to starbucks yesterday!!! sorry Paris! sorry France! and today i went to a cafe "breakfast in america" hahah! don't tell anyone please. Chloe and I thought it would be funny to go. it was 50s style diner. cute, but definitely too small of a cafe to be in America but large enough sizes for America! And the ironic part is that Chloe is still sick right now from breakfast in America... shes in the room resting. sad.
I will be making a photo album/art journal of my time here I bought a book today! you will see it one day not so far off.
love you,
Alyssa
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
bonjour from paris!
i am very angry. i just wrote a two stupid page blog which took a very long time only to have this dumb french keyboard delete it all and there is no "back" button. it was a long lovely letter about all of the things i have seen so far.
instead i will tell you what i did today: i visited the chatea of Varseilles- home of Marie Antoinette! It was so beautful and gradiose-everything is overthetop. I had an audioguide tour through all of the rooms and bedchambers, and they gave you very interesting factual historic information. And this time i got to see her own village/chateau which is separate from Varseilles. It is briefly in the movie but just for a second (her getaway after her first daughter is born). Wow it was breath-taking! There is a petite little village with a farm and a little walled city as quaint as can be. I could just imagine the movie reeling through my head. i will have to watch it again soon because it made me so happy to discover it... it was if it was lost in the woods and never seen. unfortunately my camera does not catch everything i see...
As always with adventures includes making mistakes, learning from them and hopefully not repeating the same one twice. I will admit there were a few times when i got lost on the metro, in the street, didnt know how to say something, but the important thing is im figuring it out on my own and the more mistakes i make, the less it really matters.
love & wish you were here!!!
xoxoxo.
instead i will tell you what i did today: i visited the chatea of Varseilles- home of Marie Antoinette! It was so beautful and gradiose-everything is overthetop. I had an audioguide tour through all of the rooms and bedchambers, and they gave you very interesting factual historic information. And this time i got to see her own village/chateau which is separate from Varseilles. It is briefly in the movie but just for a second (her getaway after her first daughter is born). Wow it was breath-taking! There is a petite little village with a farm and a little walled city as quaint as can be. I could just imagine the movie reeling through my head. i will have to watch it again soon because it made me so happy to discover it... it was if it was lost in the woods and never seen. unfortunately my camera does not catch everything i see...
As always with adventures includes making mistakes, learning from them and hopefully not repeating the same one twice. I will admit there were a few times when i got lost on the metro, in the street, didnt know how to say something, but the important thing is im figuring it out on my own and the more mistakes i make, the less it really matters.
love & wish you were here!!!
xoxoxo.
Friday, February 27, 2009
bourgoise beheme
boursoise beheme (BOBO): this is what my host mother referred to Americans who are cultured. HAHA. the irony, the contradiction. on urbandictionary.com :
it was interesting to hear this slang coming from a 50 year old french woman. hmm i wonder what she thinks about me., she often talks about other students from various states and their eccentricities. of course there has to be a texan who was completely well, southern american! it's interesting, she realizes there are many faces of Americans.
i am doing quite well. my spirit is being freed and my mind expanded. i am no longer afriad of change and am learning to welcome it. i am trusting God a lot, i am learning a lot. i am living. i am life.
| 2. | bobo | 235 up, 75 down   |
| Bourgeois Bohême, in French. Yuppies or dinks who live as is they weren't, love to differentiate themselves by visiting foreign countries before the herd of ordinary tourists flock after them (Croatia a few years ago, now the Baltic states), eat alternative/fair trade/organic food such as "bio fair trade Miso soup". They tend to live in mixed neighbourhoods to be near the poor, but they send their children to private schools to avoid too close a contact with the natives and they price all the poor out of the neighbourhoods they gentrify. Of course they concentrate in some parts of Paris and never could live in "la province". They often vote for the Communists or the Greens but take the fullest advantage of the tax gifts offered by right-wing governments. Le "no logo", c'est tellement bobo! | ||
it was interesting to hear this slang coming from a 50 year old french woman. hmm i wonder what she thinks about me., she often talks about other students from various states and their eccentricities. of course there has to be a texan who was completely well, southern american! it's interesting, she realizes there are many faces of Americans.
i am doing quite well. my spirit is being freed and my mind expanded. i am no longer afriad of change and am learning to welcome it. i am trusting God a lot, i am learning a lot. i am living. i am life.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
when going to italy:
Melissa:
1 .do not make the same mistake as i did and order a "latte" (just milk) instead of ordering a cappuccino!!! haha. this could be fatal.
2. if you combine french, spanish, and english, you can probably converse with the Italians.
3. italy, like france never has decent bathroom facilities so make sure you use them when they are free and present.
4. when all else fails talk with your hands
5. the fashion is a bit synthetic in italy. i personally did not like it because it was overly primped and plastic. the men were a little too manicured and the women too processed looking... think victoria beckham. not really my idea of beauty. oh and they love fur! i saw many older women with fur coats. (Well just look at Donatella Versace).
In France, at least southern france most people wear all black, the men are very attractive of course and dress well, and the women are beautiful, but most of them seem to dress all the same and have the same types of haircuts. for young women long hair parted down the middle with straight bangs is very popular, also just long hair without bangs is popular. Almost all of the teenagers have black leather bomber jackets. And of course straight jeans with either boots or flats. There are a variety of haircuts for older women, many shortcuts. Although they dress well, they dress a little too synchronized for me. I think I will see more street types of fashion in Paris. :) i hope anyway!
1 .do not make the same mistake as i did and order a "latte" (just milk) instead of ordering a cappuccino!!! haha. this could be fatal.
2. if you combine french, spanish, and english, you can probably converse with the Italians.
3. italy, like france never has decent bathroom facilities so make sure you use them when they are free and present.
4. when all else fails talk with your hands
5. the fashion is a bit synthetic in italy. i personally did not like it because it was overly primped and plastic. the men were a little too manicured and the women too processed looking... think victoria beckham. not really my idea of beauty. oh and they love fur! i saw many older women with fur coats. (Well just look at Donatella Versace).
In France, at least southern france most people wear all black, the men are very attractive of course and dress well, and the women are beautiful, but most of them seem to dress all the same and have the same types of haircuts. for young women long hair parted down the middle with straight bangs is very popular, also just long hair without bangs is popular. Almost all of the teenagers have black leather bomber jackets. And of course straight jeans with either boots or flats. There are a variety of haircuts for older women, many shortcuts. Although they dress well, they dress a little too synchronized for me. I think I will see more street types of fashion in Paris. :) i hope anyway!
Monday, February 23, 2009
the masquerade
I have returned from Venice. WOW. It's beautiful. St. Marco's square is amazing. There was a little market with antiques and used items on one of the streets so I bought a little painting of gondola in a canal. It is a good little souvenir from my visit. Unfortunately I did not buy a mask because 1. the ones i wanted were really expensive and 2. It would be very difficult to get it home in one piece. But if i decide to have a masquerade wedding one day (which is highly probable) I will have to order one online.
People really get into the Carnival in Venice. Some people work on their costumes all year round. The masks are ridiculous and extravagant! Some of them are so over the top. At times I could not tell if it was the Carnival or Halloween based on people's interesting costumes. Most of the narrow little pedestrian streets were stuffed full of people. At night there were police monitoring pedestrian traffic. ha. Oh also, we took the "boat metro" to and from our hostel because Venice is made up of islands and there is no bridge connecting them and no cars of the islands. Trying to figure out Italian was pretty interesting too.
Getting to and from Venice was pretty close to hell though... our guide was very disorganized (which isn't that surprising because every kind of business and organization in France is half-cocked, really unprofessional and unofficial) and the bus ride was over 9 hours each way, through the night.
It feels good to be back in France though, we were literally walking around all day for two days straight. Chloe and I went off the beaten path a little and discovered some great sights away from the chaos. It was nice, but traveling can be really stressful.
wish you were here! xoxo.
People really get into the Carnival in Venice. Some people work on their costumes all year round. The masks are ridiculous and extravagant! Some of them are so over the top. At times I could not tell if it was the Carnival or Halloween based on people's interesting costumes. Most of the narrow little pedestrian streets were stuffed full of people. At night there were police monitoring pedestrian traffic. ha. Oh also, we took the "boat metro" to and from our hostel because Venice is made up of islands and there is no bridge connecting them and no cars of the islands. Trying to figure out Italian was pretty interesting too.
Getting to and from Venice was pretty close to hell though... our guide was very disorganized (which isn't that surprising because every kind of business and organization in France is half-cocked, really unprofessional and unofficial) and the bus ride was over 9 hours each way, through the night.
It feels good to be back in France though, we were literally walking around all day for two days straight. Chloe and I went off the beaten path a little and discovered some great sights away from the chaos. It was nice, but traveling can be really stressful.
wish you were here! xoxo.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
try and catch me now
it's funny. i've left the country, seemingly lost in my own land. and here i jet off to France, now i'm gridding the streets, finding the way, scanning the bus system, knowing no one-- in a way recreating myself.
...and it is here that i find exactly who i knew i always was. and i am so happy to have that veil lifted off of my face. it's very hard to explain but i feel much lighter. before i left i knew i had changed but i felt weighed down by something i could not pinpoint and i was not happy and i wanted to revert back but i did not know how. it was the most horrible feeling... and of course it got worse before it got better.
I am just so relived to be back. truly. now i feel like doing all of these ridiculous things and nothing is holding me back. I was trying before i left but i needed to be liberated by something else and finally i have achieved it. (long drawn out sigh). no more feeling sorry for myself.
VIOLETTE: my new french friend whom i meet for french/english language exchange at least once a week! she's so cute and nice. she talks a lot, and is getting her master's in French literature. each time we meet we have a topic to talk about, cultural differences, favorite books/music. it's so interesting!
VENICE: i'm leaving tomorrow for the weekend. i will be attending the carnival of venice so i am hoping to get an elaborate mask with feathers and pure decadence! ahh i can't believe i'm going! I am taking a bus, staying at a hostel, i'll have to take a boat taxi to the main island because the hostel is not on the island with St. Marco's square and all of the embellishments!
...and it is here that i find exactly who i knew i always was. and i am so happy to have that veil lifted off of my face. it's very hard to explain but i feel much lighter. before i left i knew i had changed but i felt weighed down by something i could not pinpoint and i was not happy and i wanted to revert back but i did not know how. it was the most horrible feeling... and of course it got worse before it got better.
I am just so relived to be back. truly. now i feel like doing all of these ridiculous things and nothing is holding me back. I was trying before i left but i needed to be liberated by something else and finally i have achieved it. (long drawn out sigh). no more feeling sorry for myself.
VIOLETTE: my new french friend whom i meet for french/english language exchange at least once a week! she's so cute and nice. she talks a lot, and is getting her master's in French literature. each time we meet we have a topic to talk about, cultural differences, favorite books/music. it's so interesting!
VENICE: i'm leaving tomorrow for the weekend. i will be attending the carnival of venice so i am hoping to get an elaborate mask with feathers and pure decadence! ahh i can't believe i'm going! I am taking a bus, staying at a hostel, i'll have to take a boat taxi to the main island because the hostel is not on the island with St. Marco's square and all of the embellishments!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
retourner
making myself laugh. i remember. bows and bright lipstick. fun & little games. well it's not over. it's just a stupid little circle and it's coming right back around. isn't it?
edith piaf knows.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
don't regret what has happened, be anxious for what is yet to come
wow. it's hard to believe that i've only been here for three weeks. i feel like it's been so long, i have a routine and a little life set up. i've made much progress in assimulating to this new life.
sometimes when i'm walking home from the centre-ville i think to myself-- huh, i'm good at pretending-- being here like this, walking down this french road, residing in this french apartment, talking the french bus, haha. it's strange that you can actually do this at any point of your life, just pick up and change everything. my apartment is a half an hour walk from downtown, it's too long to make it to my 8:00 classes but i want to walk home more, it's in the upper 40s/50s so it's quite enjoyable, especially with my ipod.
tomorrow i meet my french language partner. i found her number on a board at Book & Bar, she sent me a photo of her and she looks miniature, kind of elvish. i'm excited to meet a real french person my age. hopefully we can be friends.
i'm still trying to rewire some of my responses to conditioned stimuli. mostly music...some of my favourite artists, that i can't just never listen to again. so i'm rewiring. it always has to get worse before it gets better. it's empowering at times.
I figure soon I will be like tempered metal... meaning metal that is put under extremely high heat almost to a liquid and then cooled, which in turn makes it indestructible... well no just very strong.
Selah.
sometimes when i'm walking home from the centre-ville i think to myself-- huh, i'm good at pretending-- being here like this, walking down this french road, residing in this french apartment, talking the french bus, haha. it's strange that you can actually do this at any point of your life, just pick up and change everything. my apartment is a half an hour walk from downtown, it's too long to make it to my 8:00 classes but i want to walk home more, it's in the upper 40s/50s so it's quite enjoyable, especially with my ipod.
tomorrow i meet my french language partner. i found her number on a board at Book & Bar, she sent me a photo of her and she looks miniature, kind of elvish. i'm excited to meet a real french person my age. hopefully we can be friends.
i'm still trying to rewire some of my responses to conditioned stimuli. mostly music...some of my favourite artists, that i can't just never listen to again. so i'm rewiring. it always has to get worse before it gets better. it's empowering at times.
I figure soon I will be like tempered metal... meaning metal that is put under extremely high heat almost to a liquid and then cooled, which in turn makes it indestructible... well no just very strong.
Selah.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
je deteste le mistral (winds)
I spent Saturday in Marseille, a large port city on the Mediterranean Sea. It was beautiful! The sky and the sea were vibrant blue, and there were hundreds of boats in the vieux port. We climbed up a a big hill to get a comprehensive view of the city. There was a lot more diversity there, and things were less expensive than in Aix. The streets were overcrowded but Chloe and I managed to find a calmer part of town where there was a market just for old books, a playground for kids, and a little jazz band playing.
We found this very interesting eclectic store; it had vintage clothes/boots, art culture books (& holga cameras, but for 70 euros! ridiculous) and a cafe in back with a projector on mute but with subtitles. +++the lady let me used the washroom! i was searching for a public restroom and i was dying, i even bought something from a patisserie to use the bathroom, just to find it did not have one. catasrophic.
Chloe's mom has friends who live in Aix, and they invited Chloe and on to go to a play with them on this same day, so we met them at a cafe in Marseille. It was Jean Coctea's Infernal Machine (Oedipus) in French. It was pretty amazing--it was in the smallest theater i have ever been in and the actors were very expressive. I think last semester I watched the sequel (movie) to this play and wondered why i didn't understand it.
I saw this French movie "LOL" today. It was a coming of age movie. Although, I've decided that it takes people a long time to "come of age" because we have so long to grow up and so long to be young. I do not particularly like that. I think there are too many options, and with too many options, more to regret and question and change. To someone who knows themself, this could be a nuisance. I'll post the pubescent music video from the movie. hopefully it will entertain you.
We found this very interesting eclectic store; it had vintage clothes/boots, art culture books (& holga cameras, but for 70 euros! ridiculous) and a cafe in back with a projector on mute but with subtitles. +++the lady let me used the washroom! i was searching for a public restroom and i was dying, i even bought something from a patisserie to use the bathroom, just to find it did not have one. catasrophic.
Chloe's mom has friends who live in Aix, and they invited Chloe and on to go to a play with them on this same day, so we met them at a cafe in Marseille. It was Jean Coctea's Infernal Machine (Oedipus) in French. It was pretty amazing--it was in the smallest theater i have ever been in and the actors were very expressive. I think last semester I watched the sequel (movie) to this play and wondered why i didn't understand it.
I saw this French movie "LOL" today. It was a coming of age movie. Although, I've decided that it takes people a long time to "come of age" because we have so long to grow up and so long to be young. I do not particularly like that. I think there are too many options, and with too many options, more to regret and question and change. To someone who knows themself, this could be a nuisance. I'll post the pubescent music video from the movie. hopefully it will entertain you.
Friday, February 13, 2009
my complete[ly] broken heart
Ok... so my life.
i live on the boundary line. I really like it here, my classes are challenging and sometimes i feel like i am missing something in class, and am confused, so you have to ask questions to the teacher in front of the entire class... and i don't know if i have ever told you this but i have always not liked asking questions in class.. i would rather search the entire book than doing so, maybe it's pride, it's not like i've ever been humilitated in class or anything, but i've had this complex. So now, we go around the class with our French homework and if i get an answer wrong, my teacher will explain why and ask me if i understand---of course i can't lie! even if it wanted to. But i am beginning to feel like it's less about what's in my peripherals and my goal is solely understanding, which has really put my pride aside.
And it's not even that other people always understand...it's a comical group, our class--made up of koreans, americans, a brit, a swede, a chinese, a columbian, and an italian. We spend 16 hours a week together, i'm beginning to feel fond of them, although i haven't hung out with any of them outside of class. We do a lot of excercises that ask what certain aspects of our culture is like, so not only am i learning things about France, but all of these other cultures! I really enjoy that.
There are so many times already on this trip that I've been level here, just going along on my day, and important people in my life have done something really great, just really overwhelmingly nice, and in that instand I will start crying, sobbing actually... I've never really been a crier or understood when people are always crying in movies and at little things, but this has been the firsts time in my life I am letting myself be affected by things..... at one moment it will be something that is missing inside of me, and later it will be that I am overwhelmed with love, though I am so far away from the people I care about most.
And i'm not worried about myself. i think this is psychologically the hardest thing i have ever done just because it's not a hurdle you jump over and you're done, but it's a continual displacement that I must work through every day on my own, but it is the best thing i have ever done for myself.
<3.
i live on the boundary line. I really like it here, my classes are challenging and sometimes i feel like i am missing something in class, and am confused, so you have to ask questions to the teacher in front of the entire class... and i don't know if i have ever told you this but i have always not liked asking questions in class.. i would rather search the entire book than doing so, maybe it's pride, it's not like i've ever been humilitated in class or anything, but i've had this complex. So now, we go around the class with our French homework and if i get an answer wrong, my teacher will explain why and ask me if i understand---of course i can't lie! even if it wanted to. But i am beginning to feel like it's less about what's in my peripherals and my goal is solely understanding, which has really put my pride aside.
And it's not even that other people always understand...it's a comical group, our class--made up of koreans, americans, a brit, a swede, a chinese, a columbian, and an italian. We spend 16 hours a week together, i'm beginning to feel fond of them, although i haven't hung out with any of them outside of class. We do a lot of excercises that ask what certain aspects of our culture is like, so not only am i learning things about France, but all of these other cultures! I really enjoy that.
There are so many times already on this trip that I've been level here, just going along on my day, and important people in my life have done something really great, just really overwhelmingly nice, and in that instand I will start crying, sobbing actually... I've never really been a crier or understood when people are always crying in movies and at little things, but this has been the firsts time in my life I am letting myself be affected by things..... at one moment it will be something that is missing inside of me, and later it will be that I am overwhelmed with love, though I am so far away from the people I care about most.
And i'm not worried about myself. i think this is psychologically the hardest thing i have ever done just because it's not a hurdle you jump over and you're done, but it's a continual displacement that I must work through every day on my own, but it is the best thing i have ever done for myself.
<3.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Qs
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
not after anyone, but for the meaning of my name: logical, truthful, honest
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU cried ?
haha... a couple days ago, but there are deep things that come to mind that put me on the verge of tears every day, i beginning to accept it.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING ?
sure, especially with a black liquidy pen
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
cheese!
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
ha. no. not ready for that part of my life.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF?
if i were the same person no, because i don't get along with people a lot like myself- territorial issues
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
yes, but not in a serious way. usually i think i am funnier than i really am, and more so entertain myself than anyone i'm talking to
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
all of em.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
over my dead body.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
recently: granola with dark chocolate chunks!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
i don't have any shoes with laces!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM
coffee/mint choco chip/cookie dough/cake batter
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
the aura they have surrounding them
15. RED OR PINK?
red & pink is one of my favourite colour combinations
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU?
haha, not telling the real answer. but sometimes i wish i could lie, but my face reveals emotions i want to conceal.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
oh you know.
19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
jeans and slippers
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
bon iver's newish e.p.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
euphoria, luminescence, enigma....some deep shade of purple i suppose
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS
old books, french streets (fresh bakery, coffee, and cigarettes), natural skin oils, saturday mornings at home--mom baking again...
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
melissa
25. Do you know the person who sent this to you?
yes
26. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH?
armwrestling
27. HAIR COLOUR?
black-brown
28. EYE COLOUR?
green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
non.
30. FAVOURITE FOOD?
which category!?
fish, bread, fruit...chocolate
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
are these supposed to be opposites?
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Slumdog Millionaire
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING
black
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer>winter and fall>summer
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
it depends on many factors involved.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
tartelette aux framboise
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
adventures of huckleberry finn and all the french magazines/advertising i can see
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
don't have one.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
La Plus Belle Vie
42. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
the cicadas in the big old maple tree at my old house, coffee pot perculating, clicking heals, fixing a bath, deep voices reading me books
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
joe cocker
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
here. now.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
expecting too much of myself?
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
appleton
not after anyone, but for the meaning of my name: logical, truthful, honest
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU cried ?
haha... a couple days ago, but there are deep things that come to mind that put me on the verge of tears every day, i beginning to accept it.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING ?
sure, especially with a black liquidy pen
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT?
cheese!
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
ha. no. not ready for that part of my life.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF?
if i were the same person no, because i don't get along with people a lot like myself- territorial issues
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
yes, but not in a serious way. usually i think i am funnier than i really am, and more so entertain myself than anyone i'm talking to
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
all of em.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
over my dead body.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
recently: granola with dark chocolate chunks!
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
i don't have any shoes with laces!
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM
coffee/mint choco chip/cookie dough/cake batter
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
the aura they have surrounding them
15. RED OR PINK?
red & pink is one of my favourite colour combinations
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU?
haha, not telling the real answer. but sometimes i wish i could lie, but my face reveals emotions i want to conceal.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
oh you know.
19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
jeans and slippers
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
bon iver's newish e.p.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
euphoria, luminescence, enigma....some deep shade of purple i suppose
23. FAVOURITE SMELLS
old books, french streets (fresh bakery, coffee, and cigarettes), natural skin oils, saturday mornings at home--mom baking again...
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
melissa
25. Do you know the person who sent this to you?
yes
26. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU LIKE TO WATCH?
armwrestling
27. HAIR COLOUR?
black-brown
28. EYE COLOUR?
green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
non.
30. FAVOURITE FOOD?
which category!?
fish, bread, fruit...chocolate
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
are these supposed to be opposites?
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Slumdog Millionaire
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING
black
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer>winter and fall>summer
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
it depends on many factors involved.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
tartelette aux framboise
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
adventures of huckleberry finn and all the french magazines/advertising i can see
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
don't have one.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
La Plus Belle Vie
42. FAVORITE SOUNDS?
the cicadas in the big old maple tree at my old house, coffee pot perculating, clicking heals, fixing a bath, deep voices reading me books
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
joe cocker
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
here. now.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
expecting too much of myself?
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
appleton
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
c'est bazarre!
1. at my university, there are only co-ed bathroom facilities (i will sometimes wash my hands and be next to a male specimen)
2. you don't need to refrigerate the milk here (it isn't dairy)
3. their butter is slightly sweet
4. you hardly put anything on a real crepe
5. i may be a slight wine expert by the time i return
6. they don't really have coffee shops here... you'll have to go to a cafe, which is not as casual and it does not have free wifi
7. almost 50% of people live in apartments in France
8. everything is smaller and more expensive :) but usually better
9. dessert = yogurt, cheese, or a fruit
10. portions are much smaller
11. even though the French are very dramatic in their speech (their intonation goes up and down a lot) they are pretty quiet interacting with their friends in public areas.
12. French people are not as friendly (My host mother says that the French are general difficult to please, capricious) and they seem always ready to react to something, any slight problem or occurrence in like a whiney, "i'm in middle school and begging my mother to let me go to a party" kind of way... it annoys me mostly.
The food i have been eating is delicious. I am going to have many ideas for meals when I return and just in time for farmer's market season!
I'm going to have to say I miss coffee shops.... Because cafes are more formal it just feels weird sprawling all of my things out on a table, sipping cafe creme and getting down to business. There's a waiter man permanently standing waiting for someone to ask for something, and its just not very cozy ( i have an image of myself staring out an icy window into a blizzard at e.p. and it warms my soul. haha. Actually at book & bar, it's pretty cozy--it's an English book store.. i guess it's pretty close to a coffee shop. Yeah, ok it is. It's a favourite place of mine.
And next week I am going to meet a random French person that i e-mailed there.... !
2. you don't need to refrigerate the milk here (it isn't dairy)
3. their butter is slightly sweet
4. you hardly put anything on a real crepe
5. i may be a slight wine expert by the time i return
6. they don't really have coffee shops here... you'll have to go to a cafe, which is not as casual and it does not have free wifi
7. almost 50% of people live in apartments in France
8. everything is smaller and more expensive :) but usually better
9. dessert = yogurt, cheese, or a fruit
10. portions are much smaller
11. even though the French are very dramatic in their speech (their intonation goes up and down a lot) they are pretty quiet interacting with their friends in public areas.
12. French people are not as friendly (My host mother says that the French are general difficult to please, capricious) and they seem always ready to react to something, any slight problem or occurrence in like a whiney, "i'm in middle school and begging my mother to let me go to a party" kind of way... it annoys me mostly.
The food i have been eating is delicious. I am going to have many ideas for meals when I return and just in time for farmer's market season!
I'm going to have to say I miss coffee shops.... Because cafes are more formal it just feels weird sprawling all of my things out on a table, sipping cafe creme and getting down to business. There's a waiter man permanently standing waiting for someone to ask for something, and its just not very cozy ( i have an image of myself staring out an icy window into a blizzard at e.p. and it warms my soul. haha. Actually at book & bar, it's pretty cozy--it's an English book store.. i guess it's pretty close to a coffee shop. Yeah, ok it is. It's a favourite place of mine.
And next week I am going to meet a random French person that i e-mailed there.... !
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
cannes 09
this is a possibility. only 09 of course! it will be two days before i return to the u.s. though, so i have time to accept it.oh and luckily because of my free movie association this year, i will know a few of the movies in the competition!
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